In Memoriam: Those We’ve Lost to Make Paul Manafort’s Belongings

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: In Memoriam: Those We’ve Lost to Make Paul Manafort’s Belongings.

Over the years, we have lost many great creatures to Paul Manafort’s desire for lavish clothing and other exotic belongings. Here, we remember those who are no longer with us:

  • Tony (Python) – Jacket
  • Al (Alligator) – Luggage
  • Demetrius (Crocodile) – Belt and Shoes
  • Lorelei (Gazelle) – Drapes
  • Darcy (Chameleon) – Watch Band
  • Brody (Dolphin) – Bottle Opener
  • Ginger (Koala) House Shoes
  • The Moore Sisters (Ducklings) – Earmuffs
  • Petunia (Horse) – Horse-Hoof Paperweights
  • Sam (Labradoodle) – Throw Pillows
  • Tedford (Shark) – Tooth Necklace
  • Koko (Gorilla) – Automobile Seat Covers
  • Graham (Komodo Dragon) – Fancy Underwear
  • Tre (Giraffe) – Propane Grill Cover
  • Brian (Anaconda) – Anaconda Costume
  • Eleanor (Siamese Cat) – Dress Socks with “Purrfection” Stitched on the Sides
  • Grace (Skunk) – Bath Mat
  • The Tichner Family (Mice) – Small Drawstring Jewelry Pouch
  • Marilyn (Polar Bear) – Rug
  • Ava (Lioness) – Claw Fountain Pens
  • Noah and Eli (Human Babies) – Waterproof Hunting Boots
  • Luke (Steer) – Decorative Skull

Portrait of a True American

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Portrait of a True American.

I am an American man.

I live in a modest house with my modest wife and average children.

I work 60 hours a week at a job that brings me no satisfaction for the insurance.

I don’t care for funny things, but that Bill Engvall sure can sure tell a joke.

I type in all caps in my Facebook posts — even the ones about restaurants.

I am an American man.

Just give me a phone that makes calls. That’s all I need.

Lock her up!

I have enough wraparound sunglasses to get me by.

I live in the Midwest somewhere.

I am an American man.

My favorite channel is, of course, USA.

I own a dozen guns that I keep securely locked away in a closet with a babyproofing doorknob cover on it. Just try and take them.

You can take the man out of the country, but you can’t take the USA out of me.

I have a purebred mutt-dog named Patton. His name? Patton.

I am an American man.

I watch nothing but WWII documentaries, and the weather.

It didn’t take a village when I was growing up.

I call a lot of people libtards — a lot of people.

My cousin studied philosophy. You know what it got him? Turned gay.

I am an American Man.

You can quote your Shakespeare. As for me and my house, we’ll quote the Scriptures.

I can trace my lineage back as far as it matters — 1776.

My nickname is Little Burger. Burger was my daddy.

If you want this country, you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.

I am an American man.

Let’s Make This Go Viral: A Man With Dementia Writes a Touching Letter to His Family

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: Let’s Make This Go Viral: A Man With Dementia Writes a Touching Letter to His Family

As I sit here on my sofa near the end of a life that was full and good, reflecting, I can’t help but think of the twists and turns I have taken throughout the years. I served in the Korean War, married my high school sweetheart and the love of my life, raised my family, and was a successful bread salesman for over forty years.

I remember the first store I ever approached in the bread business. It was a small-town Piggly Wiggly, and the manager’s name was Buddy Hendricks, but everyone called him “Lucky” because of a fumble he recovered and returned for a touchdown in the state semifinal game in high school. You see, he was a backup on special teams, but Homer Wilkins caught a stomach virus before the game which meant Buddy took his spot. He hadn’t played all year. That touchdown won the game.

Anyway, after this long, fruitful life, I recently found out I have dementia  – an accelerated form, and I have a few things I’d like to say.

To my wife Debbie, I love you, and I always will. You are my rock and the love of my life, and, no matter what happens, you always have a special place in my heart. Dottie, you mean more to me than life itself, and you are my rock and the love of my life, and, no matter what happens, you will always have a special place in my heart.

To my sons Jake and that little one. You have grown into fine young men, and I want you to know that one of you is not my real son. Jake, I know you are an impostor trying to take my family’s money and that you will not stop until the drug cartel you’re working for has everything I worked my whole life for. Well, Bonnie and the little son will never let you take it. YOU HEAR ME?!?! You just need to leave and never come back! Little son, keep impostor Jake away from your mother. He’s dangerous.

Also, Jake, I think those kids of yours may be actual demons.

Did I ever tell you about the time I flew Elvis Presley from Memphis to Las Vegas just so he could punch Don Rickles in the mouth? Apparently Rickles called him an ugly name, and the King didn’t like it. It happened. He tipped me $100 and a TCB gold chain with the year engraved on the back  – 1972.

I remember when I was a kid my parents would always scold me for my grades. In seventh grade, I brought home a C in Literature, and my father, John David Thompson, Sr., made me go outside and till the whole garden myself  –  all the way until dark. He was tough, but it made me a better person. I will never forget that.

While I’m thinking about it, my daughter, Penny, is stealing from me. She took my wedding band! My wife Connie saved for months to get me that ring, and now Penny stole it. That’s okay though  – I know the truth about her husband. But she shouldn’t take my things!

It’s about to rain, and no one will put the mules up in the barn. I guess I have to do everything.

Before I finish, I would be remiss if I didn’t say something to my wife, Delores. You mean more to me than life itself, and you are my rock and the love of my life, and, no matter what happens, you will always have a special place in my heart.

Now please leave me alone before I crash this plane and kill us all.

Peace and love and peace,

John David Thompson, Sr.

Small-Town, Southern Douches

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here Small-Town, Southern Douches

Growing up in a small Southern town you see every variety of small-town douche imaginable. Here are the most common. Which one are you?

Old Money Douche

The Old Money Douche comes from a long line of money and influence. He usually begins to show his douchiness in Jr. High and blossoms into a fully entitled douche in early high school. You may find him on the baseball field, drunk and driving his super expensive car (with a special, super loud muffler) too fast through the middle of town on Friday or Saturday nights, or looking dapper at church on Sunday talking to all the little old Old Money Widows. Once grown, the Old Money Douche usually has a high-paying job stemming from an old family connection.

New Money Douche

This douche is no more than one generation into serious money. He usually stumbled upon some sort of opportunity with absolutely no intention or comes from a parent who worked tirelessly to provide a grand and glorious life for his family. Either way, the New Money Douche believes he is solely responsible for his current financial state. You may find him driving a Ford Raptor (that his parents bought him) and wearing tons of Under Armor attire.

The Won’t Be Ignored Douche

This guy is special. He has a low-paying, highly-sucking job. He struggles from month to month, but his son is just as good as those other kids. He just doesn’t have the name! The Won’t Be Ignored Douche knows that every time his child is reprimanded or doesn’t get to play, it’s because his family doesn’t have as much as everyone else, and he will let you know that loudly and adamantly. You’re no better than him, and he will belittle you and your family in any way necessary to remind you of that.

The Small-Town Politician Douche

You know what? This guy could be a State Representative if he wanted to. The Small Town Politician Douche sits as a City Councilman and doesn’t take any crap from the public. He will let you know quickly that he is in office to serve the people, and then vote against the .25% sales tax increase that would have increased the city schools’ budget by 30%. Don’t ask him why. Don’t question him. He graduated from Ole Miss in 1995 with a 3.6 GPA. He knows what he’s doing. He took a Political Science class with Dr. Garner.

Dispatches from a Memphis Snow Bunker

This piece originally appeared in the Memphis, TN Commerical Appeal and online here: Dispatches from a Memphis Snow Bunker

Friday: We knew it was going to happen. We just didn’t know when.

My family and I had been watching the weather for days, but we still couldn’t nail down exactly when the snow would come. 3 a.m.? 6 a.m.? All anyone knew was that it was imminent.

For hours on Thursday night we looked on in silence, and upon awaking Friday morning we saw it wa worse than we imagined. My children ran outside to play in the dangerous stuff. I didn’t have the heart to tell them what they were dealing in.

I just watched in horror as they threw it, rolled in it, ate it. I held my wife’s hand. Tears welled in her eyes. “Stay strong,” I said. The kids were cold and decided to go back inside. We made it through. They survived — barely.

All we can do is outlast it. Time is our enemy. We’ve depleted our bacon and egg supply. There’s just a little milk, and the snow shows no signs of stopping except for the weather telling us that it will end around 11:30 a.m. What about what’s already on the road though? What about that? It could last for hours, possibly until tomorrow. Tomorrow!

Needing supplies, we kept watch on the roads. By the time we felt safe enough to drive a little that afternoon, we had eaten all the chips and salsa in our pantry. Weak with hunger, fatigued physically and emotionally, we braved the weather.

Covered from head to toe, socks on our hands because we couldn’t find gloves, we made the half-mile trek to Kroger. There wasn’t much, but we found enough to make it another day.

Tuesday: This time it came out of nowhere.

The weather lulled us into comfort, then returned like a thief in the night. For the past few days we’d managed pretty well. The roads were OK. We even went to the Grizzlies game Monday like everything was normal. What arrogance!

Tuesday morning, it was back and worse than before. How are we expected to live like this, without help, without hope, without school? This is no way to raise a family.

Jake drew the short straw, so he will be the one to sacrifice himself for the rest of us, if we need supplies. He’s had a good life, though, a long, full 9 years. Hopefully it won’t come to that, but, let’s face it, it probably will.

I feel like we’ve been in this house for weeks even though we got to leave Saturday afternoon, Sunday and Monday. The mind can play tricks on a man. Just now, the dog looked like a giant ham, like in the cartoons.

The bright side is we’ve learned a lot about survival and the resiliency of the human spirit. Rationing the oatmeal, buying an ice scraper, using blankets—these have been the keys to our making it so far.

If things get much worse, though, we’ll have to switch to Emergency Heat. God help us.

Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn’t Know Anything About How British Royalty Works

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn’t Know Anything About How British Royalty Works

Duchess of Kensingtonshire

Countess Megz

Lindsey Buckingham

Queen Mother Sheer Dress

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince(ss)

Lady Nottingham of Phife

Her Majesty, Your Highness

Princess Diana

Annie Ortiz from the 2009 Reboot of Knight Rider

Don’t Fret Holiday Chit-Chat; Just Find a Narcissist

This piece originally appeared in the Memphis, TN Commercial Appeal here: Don’t Fret Holiday Chit-Chat; Just Find a Narcissist

Now that we are in the middle of the holiday season, you are no doubt going to be around a lot of family. Inevitably, you will encounter at least one narcissist.

There have been countless advice columns by psychologists, therapists, counselors, people with eyes and brains, about the negative/poisonous affects of having a narcissist in your life.

I invite you to think of all the benefits that come from having narcissistic personalities around you during the holidays.

You never have to decide what to talk about

Keeping a conversation going can be exhausting. Eventually, you are going to run out of topics. (Let’s face it, you can only talk about weather, sports, kids, and work for so long. Humans have their limits.)

With a narcissist, the conversation will never lag because there is always a new accomplishment or new reason someone is jealous, or not as smart, or a new idea that is not as good as your narcissist’s.

Developing your own opinions and making good decisions can be a hassle

There are so many external forces vying for your thoughts, so many sides trying to persuade you to jump on board in politics, entertainment, religion, fashion, education. Wouldn’t it be nice to have one source for correct opinions and decision-making without even having to think any of them through?

Well, that is exactly what you have in your narcissist. You don’t even have to ask to get your answers. A simple, “Well, the Grammys are coming up,” or “Man, I just can’t decide where my kids need to go to school,” and you will get every ounce of information you will ever need to draw your own conclusions without any of the trouble of reasoning. Just take it in and accept it. Doesn’t that sound easy?

Placing blame has never been easier

When something negative happens, we all look for someone to blame. The problem is, most of us were taught that problems are complicated and nuanced. Having a narcissist puts you two steps ahead. First, it is a lot easier to assign blame when you know whose fault it isn’t, and it will never, ever be your narcissist’s fault. Second, your narcissist — if worth his or her salt — should tell you exactly who to blame in every circumstance.

You always have something to do

Narcissists are needy creatures. They need affirmation and someone to boss around. This means you will never be bored. The bigger the narcissist, the busier you will be, and that is less time you have to occupy with your own things. It is also less time to think about how sad your narcissist is making you. You will be way too busy for any of that.

Hopefully this helps you to realize how blessed you are to have such a self-centered, egocentric, self-absorbed person in your life. If you are lucky enough to have more than one, even better. You can just put them in a room together and watch what happens. That should keep you entertained for quite a while.

(Photo: CBS)

 

What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)!

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)!

Billy Joel

1973: A long-haired tough guy from the Bronx

2017: An angry, flesh-colored egg with a goatee


Matthew Perry

1994: Just a young guy with a butt-cut, a big shirt, a vest, and a smirk

2017: That guy who lives next door, alone, in the giant house and walks outside in a loose bathrobe to get his paper every morning


Amy Schumer

2007: A fresh-faced comic with ultra-curly hair, hardly any makeup, and barely visible eyebrows

2017: The same girl with people to help her get ready for things


Justin Timberlake

1998: A Q-tip

2017: A short Chandler Parsons


Michael J. Fox

1985: Classic Marty McFly

2017: Marty McFly in a slow, constant earthquake


Scarlett Johansson

1996: A Scarlett Johnsson-looking child

2017: OUT WITH COLIN JOST?


Cyndi Lauper

1983: A wild dresser topped with huge, bright red hair and filled with youthful vibrance

2017: The same but with pink hair and a touch of your mother


Heath Ledger

1998: The quintessential late-1990s happ-go-lucky Australianer

2017: You don’t want to know


Bono

1978: A lone-wolf

2017: An Andy Samberg character


Luke Perry

1990: A ruggedly handsome James Dean type

2017: A FREAKING 50-YEAR-OLD MAN!!!

An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List

1. Democrats

2. Republicans

3. Politicians

4. The Swamp

5. POWs

6. Disabled people

7. John McCain specifically 

8. Hispanics

9. African Americans

10. Any other brown people I forgot

11. Muslims

12. Refugees

13. Muslim refugees

14. Hillary

15. Women

16. Other Clintons

17. Gold Star parents

18. Protesters (female and/or black)

19. NFL players

20. NFL owners

21. NFL refs

22. John McCain again

23. Bob Corker (?)

24. Gold Star spouses

25. The troops

26. Children

27. Dolphins

28. Marshmallows

29. The flag

30. Fun

31. Game night!

32. Soup kitchens

33. Beaches

34. The Unknown Soldier

35. Charity

36. Kittens

37. Sparkles

38. Tom Hanks

39. Happiness

40. Those killed in action during WWII

Op-ed: The Mainstream Media is Blaming Me for Ruining Terry and Joan’s Dinner Party

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Op-ed: The Mainstream Media is Blaming Me for Ruining Terry and Joan’s Dinner Party

You’ve probably seen reports in the lamestream media blaming me for ruining Terry and Joan’s dinner party. As usual, those reports are 100% false! That party was terrible from the start.

First, they are claiming that I got drunk and announced that Joan is pregnant before she could. Like we couldn’t tell! She didn’t drink all night which is out of character for Joan (as we all know!). Joan loves her cocktails as much as she loves her unborn child. Plus, she had that glow. So obvious!

Second, yeah, I broke the stupid clock, and, yeah, it was Terry’s great great grandmother’s, and, yeah, it’s the one he took on Antiques Roadshow, and, yeah, it turned out it was really valuable because it belonged to Woodrow Wilson, but Joan’s the one who put it on that wobbly table! We shouldn’t even still be talking about this. Besides, how did Terry’s great grandmother get Woodrow Wilson’s clock? WHAT DID SHE HAVE TO DO TO GET A PRESIDENT’S CLOCK?

Third, Black Lives Matter IS a terrorist organization, and Dean should have known better than to bring it up. I guess ISIS is cool too, right Dean? Sorry you couldn’t handle all the truth bombs I dropped in the white chocolate raspberry bread pudding!

Fourth, why aren’t they talking about Bethany’s chain emails? There’s no way they’re secure. No telling how many viruses she’s exposing us to, and she sends out so many! THOUSANDS! Besides, they’re so stupid. We know, Bethany, it’s a great day to smile. JUST STOP! You know who never talks about her emails? ISIS Dean!

Now, can we please get to the issues the people really care about? We should be talking about whose baby that is. I don’t think it’s Terry’s!

Anthony Scaramucci’s 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Anthony Scaramucci’s 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes

After Mooch’s Twitter poll about the Holocaust, we checked his Buzzfeed history. Here are his favorites.

Which Man From Anne Frank’s Diary Would You Go Home With?

Van Daan? Otto? Peter? After a night out, who would you go home with?

How Hitler are You?

Everybody’s a little Hitler. Find out how much Hitler you are.

Did the Holocaust Really Happen?

This quiz is one “Yes or No” question.

How Long Would You Survive in the Death Camps?

Find out how long you would survive based on how you respond to photographs of different landscapes.

Which Friends Character are You?

I bet you’re Joey, you idiot.

Advice for My Son on Becoming a Man

This piece originally appeared on Slackjaw here: Advice for My Son on Becoming a Man

  1. Always stand when a lady enters a room, and never sit back down.
  2. “Like” everything you can on Facebook. There may come a time when you can’t.
  3. Don’t blink. Ever.
  4. Linus didn’t need that blanket.
  5. Always take your phone in the bathroom with you. You never know how long you may be.
  6. It’s more like, “Jack of a lot of trades.” Nobody’s that good.
  7. The pocket square ain’t for snottin.
  8. Life is more than a series of connected events and personal relationships, probably.
  9. Mantles are there for a reason.
  10. O. J. totally did it.
  11. Craps is a usually a dice game but not always.
  12. Listen to the wind, and always — ALWAYS — do what it tells you.
  13. A china cabinet is for dishes and not what you might assume based on the name.
  14. The only rugs worth having used to be animals.
  15. Don’t worry about comma splices, they’re totally fine.
  16. If you meet a one-armed man with the last name LaVerne, do not tell him who you are.
  17. When you shake a man’s hand, look him straight in the forehead. He’ll think you’re looking in his eyes, but you’ll know the real story which gives you the upper hand.
  18. A dog is never a person. It’s a dog even if it’s wearing glasses.
  19. Always fly first class. According to Home Alone there’s free champagne.
  20. Never play hide and seek with a blind man. You think it’ll be easy, but they’ve got heightened senses, remember?
  21. Confidence.
  22. Don’t name your son Gary. I know there are adults named Gary, but it’s weird to picture a little kid named Gary.
  23. Romantic comedies are only good for one thing: nothing.

With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt: With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills

Hey Errybody! LOL!

What’s up all my Facebook amigos? You doing good? You’re about to be doing better! I’m going to make this the best time of your life by offering you something that will make you forget every bad thing happening right now – even the life-threatening ones! How? I’m now a registered representative to sell all-natural diet pills, and I’m offering you a life-changing opportunity! These things are amazing. I’ve been on them for two weeks now, and I feel better than I’ve ever felt, and that includes any point as an adult, child, or baby! Plus, I’ve dropped six pounds! And it ain’t just water weight either! It’s legit!

Look, I know this isn’t the best time. With the white supremacy riots in Charlottesville, along with North Korean nuclear war threats, chaos in the White House, a mentally unstable president, numerous government leaks, shakeup after shakeup in government, Scaramucci, national division, racial division, generational division, ABC’s Bachelorette division, disappearing Social Security, crippling student debt, health insurance premium spikes, problems at the federal level in education, a dysfunctional Congress, the president’s tweeting habit, threats of non-nuclear military encounters with numerous other countries, the renewal of the war on drugs, the rise of a new generation of racists who believe the leader of the free world is speaking directly to them, you’re probably asking, “Why would I even worry about how big my butt is?” The real question is, “Why would you not?” My friend dropped two pants sizes in seven days! What could be better news than that? Who knows if white supremacy is making a comeback? Who’s to say if the Klan is really all that bad? How can anyone answer these questions definitively? What I do know is that you can have the body you want in eight weeks with no exercise!

Things are bad, I get it. But this is the thing that can turn it all around for you if you’re a white upper-middle-class person. You’ve got this in the bag. Do you feel guilty about how minorities are being treated in this country right now? You’ll feel better as a size 2, I bet. Do you wish there was something you could do to end systemic racism in the United States? There’s not, but you can for sure lose that belly in three weeks! So PM me for more details, like my page, and let’s get to work on the national state of emergency you can control – you!

Ask me about becoming a registered consultant!

Peace out y’all!

Lauren

Is It OK if I Wear My Overalls to Bible Study?

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: Is It OK if I Wear My Overalls to Bible Study?

I don’t want to be a nuisance, but I have a question: Is it OK if I wear my overalls to Bible study? I just didn’t know if it would be a problem. I know we’re talking about modesty, and, well, most would think overalls would fall right into that category. You may even think that I would be a prime example of modest dress in my overalls, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I am seductive in my overalls. These are the overalls I wore when I asked Mattie to prom, and you know how that went. She said “yes” abnormally quickly. It wasn’t natural, and it was all because of the overalls.

You see, they seem to hug all the right parts of me — or wrong parts for what we’re talking about with the Bible study and all. I just don’t want to be a distraction in my overalls. I want the people (ladies) there to get everything they can out of the Bible study, but I’m afraid they’ll just be thinking about me and my overalls.

Before you ask, yes, I am planning on wearing a shirt under my overalls. What do you think, I’ve got a death wish or something? The ladies may not be able to focus if I’m in my overalls with a shirt on. If shirtless, you could just kiss the whole night goodbye! The part of the Fruit of the Spirit known as self-control would be gone. There would be no sense even reading Galatians 5 because it would be too late. Everyone would just be reacting carnally and impulsively to my overalls with no shirt under them, so I’m definitely wearing a shirt. Don’t worry.

But the question remains: Do you think my overalls will be appropriate for the Bible study? Keep in mind that lust is a sin when answering please. I don’t want to be cut or plucked out of some dear soul’s life because I wore my overalls to Bible study and caused that person to stumble. That is not my intention. Relationships are very important, but sometimes my overalls make real, platonic relationships very difficult — impossible even.

Just let me know what you think about the overalls question, so I can wash some pants if I need to.

Thanks.

An Op-Ed By Tony Romo: I Look Forward To The Many Injuries Awaiting Me As A Broadcaster

This piece originally appeared on Second City Network here: An Op-Ed by Tony Romo: I Look Forward to the Many Injuries Awaiting Me as a Broadcaster

For the past fourteen NFL seasons, I have been blessed to go to work every day doing what I love—hurting myself for America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys. While it’s been a wonderful, crazy ride, I have decided that it’s time to call it a career. I am retiring from football on my own terms and would like to take this opportunity to thank my family, Jerry Jones (who took a big chance on me back in 2003), my teammates and the fans for allowing me to put my health on the line every week I was on the active roster rather than injured reserve. It means more to me than any of you will ever know.

I know what you’re all thinking. Tony, will you be satisfied if you’re not playing football? I admit, it’s a question I’ve asked myself a lot over the past few weeks, but I know it’s time, and that’s the most important thing. When you no longer have a desire to feel the physical pain of grotesque bodily injuries, it’s time to give it up. That’s where I am. It wouldn’t be fair to my teammates to go back now. Sure, there are things I will miss about football—broken collar bones, concussions, cracked vertebrae, other broken collar bones—but I am excited about the opportunities ahead. The future is bright and hobbley for old Tony Romo.

In fact, I have already made the decision to join CBS and begin my future in broadcasting. I will be fulfilling another lifelong dream by officially joining the ranks of Jim Nantz, James Brown (not that one), Phil Simms and the like. It will also present many new and exciting ways in which I can hurt myself: being hit by a big camera, tripping over wires, someone holding a boom mic over the shoulder and turning around real fast and hitting me in the face “Three Stooges”-style. The possibilities are almost endless. Plus, I’ll be spending a lot more time at home, and we have a lot of stairs.

Again, as I make this transition, I want to thank everyone in the Cowboys organization as well as all the Cowboy fans across the country for taking me in and letting me be a part of this team’s great legacy. I also want to thank the medical staffs at Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital, Parkland Hospital, Baylor University Medical Center at Dallas, Medical City Dallas Hospital, Methodist Dallas Medical Center, Kindred Hospital of Dallas, LifeCare Hospitals of Dallas, Dallas Medical Center, William P. Clements, Jr. University Hospital, Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children, Zale Lipshy University Hospital, and North Dallas Alternative Medicine for all the care you’ve shown me over the past fourteen years.

It’s been a lot of fun, guys. God bless. Good luck. And I’m pretty sure I just sprained my wrist.

I’m a Real Marketing Person, and I Can Prove it With These Creative Names I’ve Given Everyday Items

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: I’m a Real Marketing Person, and I Can Prove it With These Creative Names I’ve Given Everyday Items

  1. Cigarettes: Sexy Smoke Sticks
  2. Sofa: Loungeus Maximus
  3. Vacuum Cleaner: Dirt-Goes-Away
  4. Television: Color Moving Picture Box
  5. Light Bulb: ’Lumination Orb
  6. Parking Garage: Car Motel
  7. Whiskey: Tipsy Brown
  8. Grass: Yard Carpet
  9. Helmet: Head Protector Extraordinaire
  10. Surgery: Luxury Body Slicing
  11. Popsicle: Cold Solid Juice
  12. Fire Extinguisher: Foamy White Dispenser
  13. Chair: Human Holder
  14. Coffee Table: Li’l Surface
  15. Trash Can: Paper Hole
  16. Coffee: Wakey Sip-Sip
  17. Wheel: Roll-About
  18. Log: Tree Torso
  19. Bear: Cute ’n’ Deadly
  20. Gloves: Hand Coats

The American Family Association’s Updated List of Unforgivable Disney Offenses

This piece originally appeared at Second City Network and Huffington Post Comedy: The Second City Network, The Huffington Post Comedy

Dear Reader,

It has been some time since we have officially updated our list of Disney offenses. Recently, the controversial children’s entertainment company announced that its first openly homosexual character will appear in the new live-action telling of “Beauty and the Beast.”

We were shocked—that is, until we examined other Disney films—and we couldn’t believe what we found. In light of our recent discoveries, we have developed a list of the truly un-American and immoral offenses in Disney movies, both animated and live-action.

As a decent American, please read and boycott accordingly.

  1. Human/beast interspecies relationships
  2. Seashell bosom covers that honestly could fall off at any point
  3. Most of the cast of “The Princess and the Frog”
  4. Three presumably lesbian fairies living together in the woods
  5. Glorification of stealing the Declaration of Independence
  6. An illegal immigrant stray Chihuahua
  7. Tramps
  8. Vin Diesel as a babysitter
  9. Anti-American sentiments in “Pocahontas”
  10. Literally everything about “Hannah Montana” that we should’ve spotted from the get-go
  11. Uncle Albert’s drug use
  12. Polygamy amongst dwarves
  13. Anti-Second Amendment sentiments in “Bambi”
  14. Sorcery/witchcraft/Angela Lansbury of any variety
  15. Normalization of Middle Eastern people and genies
  16. A seriously freaky Friday
  17. Normalization of talking snowmen
  18. Normalization of female rabbit cops
  19. Normalization of lost boys
  20. Merida
  21. Rastafarian crabs
  22. The unclear nature of two male chipmunks’ relationship
  23. Jazz
  24. A gluttonous, effeminate bear
  25. Cocaine usage in inner-Hundred Acre Woods
  26. Big summer blowouts
  27. Shrunken children
  28. Randy Newman
  29. Giant homicide
  30. A probably bisexual mouse

We are currently working to expand this list with about a thousand more updates.

Thank you, and have a blessed day.

Sincerely,

The American Family Association

12 Country Songs Memorializing Made-Up Tragedies

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: 12 Country Songs Memorializing Made-Up Tragedies

  1. The Day the Corvettes Cried by Luke Bryan — the Bowling Green Massacre
  2. Hergin Flergin in the Bergin by Kelly Pickler (feat. the Swedish Chef) — the Swedish Terror Attack
  3. Burn It to the Ground by Toby Keith — the Existence of Chicago as a U.S. City
  4. One Less Portland by Kenny Chesney — the Mysterious Disappearance of Portland, Maine
  5. Bourne in Our Hearts by Martina McBride — Matt Damon’s Helicopter Crash, Multiple Surgeries, Coma, and Death
  6. Suburban Ohio Sunset by Alan Jackson — the Akron Children’s Place Sniper
  7. Hot Dog by Eddie Arnold — the Death of the Original Lassie by Lightning Strike
  8. Franky Took Franky by Rascal Flatts — Franklin Graham’s Conversion to Catholicism
  9. Never Fly Back Again by Pam Tillis — Jessica’s Bangs of 1998
  10. Patriot Pants by John Conlee — the Death of Apollo Creed
  11. Remember the Alamocha by Colin Ray — Davy Crockett’s Failed Coffee Shop
  12. Blowhole by Big & Rich — the Seattle Suicide Bomber Inside the Great Seattle Sinkhole

My Valentine’s Day Memory of a Forbidden Love

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: My Valentine’s Day Memory of a Forbidden Love

It was Valentine’s Day of my nineteenth year. I had admired her from afar for most of my life. I had fantasized long enough. Now was the time to act. Having taken a year off from school to clear my head, I knew that next Valentine’s Day I would be away at college—away from her. This was my one opportunity to show her how I truly felt.

Her husband was away at work. His job took him a couple of towns over, and he never got home before 7:00 even on special days like anniversaries or birthdays or Valentine’s Day. As I approached the door, my heart raced. I began to sweat. This was the biggest moment of my life. I knocked. She answered. She could tell by my face why I was there. I could tell by her face she was glad.

“Do you know why I came here today?”

“I do. Please come in.”

I sat in the living room, and she disappeared to the back. When she returned, she was wearing a dress that I could tell she’d been saving for a special occasion that had never come. Her lips as red as I’d ever seen. Blush on her cheeks for what seemed like the first time. She approached me, and I could swear I felt the beating of her heart vibrating the floorboards underneath. She took my hand.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too.”

Now she was much more experienced than I was. She did have some years on me. Nevertheless, I trusted her, and she gently guided me. Her touch affected me in ways I can’t describe—ways I’d never imagined possible. There was love in her touch—caring. We spent the afternoon with each other. She taught me what it was to be a man. I taught her what it was to be appreciated as a woman.

As we lie on the floor, I began to speak, but she stopped me. I’d felt the need to say it. We could never speak of that moment, and it could never happen again. But we both already knew.

“Shhh…not now. Just a little longer.”

We both knew that was the first and last time we would ever be together, and we just wanted to enjoy what little time we had left, but the burden was heavy. We tried to pretend it wasn’t there, but it was.

And while we both knew it was wrong, in that moment, all we needed in the world was each other. I was all she needed. And, yes, in that moment, your mom was all that I needed.

You Guys are Doing a Great Job!

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: You Guys are Doing a Great Job!

In light of the recent tensions among Americans from all walks of life, we, the Holy Trinity, one God in three parts, want to let you all know where we stand on the matter. There are those on both sides who keep invoking the Bible—or, worse yet, Us by name—and frankly we’re tired of it, so we’re taking this opportunity to let everyone know we’re behind you, conservative American Christians, 100%.

Jehovah, God, the Father Almighty

Hey, guys. Hope everything’s going well. I just want to start by saying that I am so proud of you. You’ve finally done it! You got my candidate in office, and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. I was honestly beginning to wonder if you’d ever figure it out. I kept giving you people, and you kept questioning them: “But Romney’s Mormon!” “But Palin is annoying and got shut down by Katie Couric, and McCain is old!” “But Clinton’s so much cooler than Bush. How can we compete with that?!” Finally I just sent out the most in-your-face guy I could think of, hoping you’d be like, “Screw it. We’re just doing this.” And it worked even better than I thought it would… and I’m omniscient!

And he’s doing great, isn’t he? He’s my kind of guy. I mean, I did write a whole book in the Old Testament about building a wall. Now, don’t squander this. Also, you guys have been so great I even hooked you up with a Patriots comeback! I know you’re not all Patriots fans, but I couldn’t let that team from Atlanta win. Have you ever been there? That city is filthy and dangerous. (If you don’t know exactly what I mean by that, DM me. I can’t elaborate in public.)

Jesus Christ, the Son of Man

Dudes! This is going so well. You probably won’t believe this, but some of the angels were actually betting that you’d chicken out and go Kasich or something — or even stand up to Trump once he took office. I had faith in you, though. Look, I spent my life on earth surrounded by poor, hurting people, so I get it: They’re exhausting. Those Gospels made it look like I did that on purpose (idiot Matthew!), but the fact is the Pharisees wouldn’t give me the time of day after I accidentally read that passage from Isaiah in the Synagogue that one time. This is what I wanted all along. Poor people, for the most part, suck. They’re always asking for things: “Feed me.” “Heal me.” “Raise my dead son!” Speaking of healing and junk, I can’t tell you how angry I was with Obamacare! After all, that guy is the Anti-Me, but that’s all over now thanks to you, my people.

Plus, now you’ve got that refugee/immigration ban happening. This is perfect. (Don’t worry. We’re working on that federal judge for you. Just keep on keeping on, and we’ll handle him.) The only thing worse than poor people is more poor people who can’t speak English. Keep it up, guys. And remember who’s # 1!

Holy Spirit (a/k/a Holy G)

First, let me say that I realize some of you don’t know me very well, but I know you. I also know some of you don’t believe I do very much. Well, guess what: I really do! In fact, if it weren’t for me, you never would have figured out how important the abortion issue is! I told the other guys we needed to include something — anything — in the Scriptures to let you guys know that it trumps (get it?) everything else, but they wouldn’t go for it, so I took matters into my own hands. Despite the fact that the Bible says absolutely nothing — not. one. thing. — about abortion, I showed you guys that it’s worth ignoring the most obvious, fundamental Christian principles for.

It’s like The Father always says: “The means justifies the ends.” And He’s exactly right. Rahab lied that one time to protect her family. See? Proof! I knew you would get it with a little prodding, but now you have to stay strong. There are a lot of things coming out that don’t look great. Just remember, it was all worth it to get Roe v. Wade overturned, and I’m there with you for that sole purpose.

In Conclusion…

Keep it up, everybody. You make us proud!

Good Luck and Us Bless,

The Holy Trinity

You’re Invited to Rhonda’s Bereavement Party!

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: You’re Invited to Rhonda’s Bereavement Party!

Hey, Girls!

As you all know, Rhonda’s husband Gary passed away yesterday after a long, hard-fought battle with pancreatic cancer, so we’re putting together a little girls’ night on Friday. This is Rhonda’s first night of freedom, so get ready to get turnt!

Here’s how it’s going down:

5:30 PM

Rhonda’s had a tough time, so we’ll start off kinda slow. We’ll meet at her house for a period of comforting silence. We’ll hug and cry. We’ll take as much time as Rhonda needs. Then we’re heading to the Embassy Suites for free cocktails at 5:45!

7:30 PM

After the Embassy Suites, we’ll get some fresh air (we’ll need it!) and walk down to Shooters just like when we were in college — before people died. They’ve still got the best mojitos in town. Trust me. We’ll feel out the situation, but I’m thinking three hours should do it!

10:30 PM

I’ve reserved us a party bike for two hours from Spin-N-Tonic with an “In Loving Memory of Gary Huggins 1972–2017” banner on the back. Melanie’s bringing a tiara, and Charla’s made a sash that says “widow” in gold glitter!We get to select our own music, so be thinking about what you want to hear. I’ve got dibs on I’m So Fancy and Worth It, so back off. Those are my JAMS!

Also, I put in a request for Derek. He’s the best.

12:30 AM

We’ll take an Uber down to Riverside Park for a time of prayer and reflection — remembering what the night is truly for. I need someone to bring an unlit candle if you’ve got one. If not, no biggie.

12:45 AM

There’s a bubble party in the street outside Club 85904! And up in all those bubbles, I imagine somebody’ll be getting a little handsy in a public place with some strange men (hint: me)!

3:00 AM

After we change clothes, we’ll head to Rachel and Na-Na’s Discotech (where Sears used to be). Our mission will be to find Rhonda some male accompaniment for our time there! Just because she’s grieving doesn’t mean she can’t have a little fun, if you know what I mean! And trust me, there will be plenty of dudes to choose from. There always are, and 3–4 AM is the optimum time. There may be a line, so I’ll have some berry vodka in my purse, and Jackie is bringing a portable speaker so we can listen to You Raise Me Upand Wind Beneath My Wings if we have to wait.

6:00 AM

We’ll go back to Rhonda’s place to get a little rest. She’s cool with it, she said. And Gary’s hospital bed is still there, so we should all have a place to sleep.Those things are roo-my!

10:00 AM

We are celebrating Gary’s life at 11:00 at Christ Presbyterian Church, but we’ll need to get there early to set up for the flash mob. Hope you’ve all been working on your Whip and Nae Nae. It’ll be so funny! Rhonda will freak! It’s what Gary would have wanted.

IMPORTANT REMINDER

Remember, for gifts Rhonda is registered at Flowers by Alison, Marshall-Hilburn Funeral Home, and Target.

Also, everyone bring $40 to reimburse me for the mantle clock urn.

See y’all then!

Deborah

A Rap/Hip-Hop Compilation Recorded for the Trump Inauguration

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: A Rap/Hip-Hop Compilation Recorded for the Trump Inauguration

Through some deep sources within President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team, we have uncovered a track list of rap/hip-hop songs re-recorded (“All tremendously legal,” we were assured) for Trump’s upcoming inauguration in January:

1. “F*ck Tha Police Because You Appreciate the Work They Do” – N.W.A.

2. “De-Regulate” – Warren G

3. “Flynn and Juice” – Snoop Dogg

4. “You’re Nobody, Tim Kaine” – Notorious B.I.G.

5. “We Love and Respect Deez Hoez More Than Anybody” – Outkast

6. “I See a Man Die Thanks to Obamacare” – Scarface

7. “Jesus Walks With The Donald” – Kanye West

8. “One Mic (Pence)” – Nas

9. “Many Muslim Men (Wish Death)” – 50 Cent

10. “Cop Hugga” – Ice-T

11. “Wealthy Entitled Celebrity Player’s Anthem” – Junior M.A.F.I.A

12. “Ain’t No Half Steppin’ Across Mexican the Border” – Big Daddy Kane

13. “Somebody in ISIS Gotta Die” – Notorious B.I.G.

14. “Til I Collapse Like Hillary Did” – Eminem

15. “Straight Outta Compton” – N.W.A. (feat. Mike Pence)

An Op-Ed by Parson Brown: The Constant Comparison to a Snowman is Really Hurtful

This piece originally appeared on Second City Network here: An Op-Ed by Parson Brown: The Constant Comparison to a Snowman is Really Hurtful

I’ll never forget the day I walked up on those kids condescendingly calling that snowman by my name. I’d just left from giving the eulogy at a funeral for a young father who died of tuberculosis, leaving behind a wife and four small children. I didn’t think my day could get any worse. I was wrong.

“Let’s pretend he is Parson Brown,” they said. “He’ll ask us if we’re married. What a creep! We’re just kids.” (I always ask if they’re married as a joke, like asking a four-year-old if he’s in college. I’m obviously kidding, but one mother hears you, and suddenly you’re labeled a perv.) Then they placed a tiny carrot below the charcoal buttons on the snowman and laughed hysterically. What’s worse, when they saw me, instead of feeling bad or running off, they just pointed and laughed even harder.

Now, I know I’m not the most attractive guy. I never have been. High school was hell for me. I’m pale and oddly-shaped—dumpy, even—but to build a snowman, and a sloppy one at that, just to name it after me is taking it too far. It’s not necessary. I would never have done that as a child, especially to a man of the cloth. There’s no respect in this world anymore. My father was a parson too, and he never had to deal with anything like this. And guess what? There are plenty of successful, happy, odd-looking people out there. You don’t hear people talking about Steve Buscemi or Larry Bird like that. I guess if I could act or play ball, it would be different. But no—I just pray and console the hurting and lonely and help the poor like some kind of loser.

By the way, thanks for bringing the meadow back up, too. I loved that meadow. It was my quiet place—the place where I would pray and reflect—but one day, someone noticed me out there eating my lunch and assumed I was watching the students at the girls’ school next door and told my wife. That’s when she left, so using that same meadow isn’t just “hurtful.” It’s in poor taste. What if, once a year, I brought up that thing that ruined your marriage? How would you like that? What if I wrote a Christmas carol about that time you had some drinks at your wife’s birthday party and got a little handsy with her younger sister? Not so fun now, is it?

Look, I know it’s Christmas, and everyone’s all cheery and jubilant and carefree, but some of us have pretty terrible memories about this time of year. I wish you people would think about that when you’re singing this mess. While we’re at it, let’s just stop with “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” okay? That family is really hurting.

There are Plenty of Things We Can All Come Together to Hate

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt hereThere are Plenty of Things We Can All Come Together to Hate

America is divided. The election is over, and people are fighting in the streets, at work, on social media, at home. Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama have all stepped forward to ask the American people to unite – to join together for the betterment of the country. The problem is that there is just so much hate and anger out there. It seems impossible at this point, so, to start small, we just need to find the things we can all hate together.

Matthew McConaughey as a Product Spokesperson

Just because you say it slowly doesn’t mean we’re going to buy everything, Matt. Learn from Ivanka with the dress and the bracelet. Subtlety and discernment is the name of the game, man.

Realizing You’re Martin Shkreli

That would be truly horrifying and something I hope never happens to you.

Dead People

They don’t have to deal with any of this – except the ones who voted in Chicago. They’re partially responsible for this, but that just means we get to hate them twice!

Talks of a Van Halen Comeback

We all know Van Halen was great back when they were together, but do you really think it’s going to happen, guys? Do you think David Lee Roth is suddenly going to be a team player?

Twitter Wars

Like we all have the time to sit and watch spoiled celebrities tweet insults back and forth at each other! (We secretly love this. Please continue. It takes our minds off of the really bad situations, like what’s happening right now.)

When the Hell’s Angels Killed Meredith Hunter at That Free Rolling Stones Concert in 1969

So tragic. On a side note, The Donald, please don’t hire the Hell’s Angels to beef up your security.

Bats

Those things are crazy! You never know what they’re going to do, and then, when you least expect it, one turns into Rudy Giuliani and begs to be Secretary of State!

When KFC Closes

Where am I supposed to get fried chicken now, huh? Kroger? Yeah right! No thank you. I will not settle! Man, now I know how the Bernie Bros. felt.

When Glenn Died

If you don’t know already, I won’t elaborate, but if you do know, then you really, really know.

That We Had to Endure an Election That Caused This Kind of Grief and Requires This Much Healing

Let’s do better in 2020, please.

 

How to Maintain Your Sanity for the Last Few Days of This Election

This piece originally appeared on Second City Netowork and Redeye Chicago: Second City NetworkRedeye Chicago

It’s almost over, everyone. Stay safe—and sane— out there by following a few simple guidelines.

Don’t make eye contact.

If you look at the wrong person, he or she may bring up politics before you can stop it. Just don’t look at anyone. Keep your head down, and don’t talk to people at Trader Joe’s or in line at Protein Bar or at your family dinner table or wherever. If you have places you frequent where you know people will try to have a conversation with you, like your place of work, stay away…just until November 9. It won’t be that bad.

Try not to pick up a newspaper or watch TV news for the next few weeks and also cancel your WiFi and just throw all your electronics away.

Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into watching or reading the opinions of others, because eventually you’ll just get upset. Besides, there’s nothing going on that you absolutely have to know about. It may seem extreme, but what’s more important than your sanity, right?

Buy all the canned vegetables and meat you can afford.

With all the time you’ll be spending at home, you’ll need a lot of food. Buy it up. Don’t be shy. People may look at you funny—like you’re crazy or something—but you’re not crazy. You’re the sane one. Besides you won’t know they’re looking at you because you’re not making eye contact, remember?

Get your basement ready.

Get a radio, kerosene lamps, guns (we’ll cover that later) and all that canned food ready downstairs. Have a very specific plan for when you will actually move in. Under what circumstances do you move into the basement? You’d better have an answer! If you don’t have a basement, dig one. You won’t regret it.

Buy all the guns and ammo you can.

If Hillary wins, you won’t be able to buy them anymore. If Donald wins, you’ll need everything you can get your hands on. Either way, you’re good. Or doomed. Or both!

You know what? Just go ahead and get in the basement now.

Go. Now. It’s time!

Only listen to ESPN Radio while you’re down there.

Wait! Kaepernick! That won’t work. Oldies stations! Find the Oldies stations. That should be pretty harmless.

You may only read magazines to occupy your time.

National Geographic Kids, Southern Living…and that is all. The older, the better.

What are you doing? GET IN THE BASEMENT! NOW!

Seriously! But don’t allow more than one other person down there with you. Everyone can only choose one person to live with for the next four or eight years. Figure out who’s coming with you, and do it quickly! Fingers crossed you make the right choice. I won’t be responsible for what happens if you don’t.

 

MFM: White Evangelicals Seeking New Messiah

This piece originally appeared on The Establishment hereMFM: White Evangelicals Seeking New Messiah

Hey, y’all!

White Evangelicals here. You know, Jerry Fallwell, Jr. types. We’re new to this whole dating thing, but ready to meet someone! We just got out of a long-term relationship that honestly was over years ago — we had lost interest in Him, and looking back we’re not sure he was that into us either — but now we’ve finally ended things, and we’re ready to mix it up a little bit and see what’s out there! This is our first time writing one of these bio thingies, so be kind please!

First, some things about us. We enjoy rules and making people follow them (especially people who aren’t us), we’re a little bit obsessed with America and restoring it to its former glory, we strongly believe in American exceptionalism because it’s obvious that God’s chosen people would be exceptional, and we can’t get enough of Pretty Little Liars. (We just can’t figure that show out!)

Now, to make this easy for everyone, we’re going to give you some people who fit our type, so we don’t end up with any Obamas or Pope Francises or women! OK? Let’s dive in!

Donald Trump

This guy is the real deal. He’s loud, prideful, hateful, and has a huge ego — a total 180 from our last Messiah — and he tells it like it is. That’s what we’re looking for. No more meekness and servanthood for us. We want a Messiah who will take our side, stand up for us, and make sure we are where we belong — on top and in charge.

Phil Robertson

Phil, like Donald, is a straight-shooter. If he thinks it, he says it, and America needs more people like that — the kind who will tell major magazines that our nation is headed down the path of destruction because of gay people. The one con to Phil is that, in that GQ interview, he appeared to be a little too familiar with what an anus looks like. That’s a bit disheartening. We mean, it makes you think. Otherwise, he’s amazing — really our type.

Sheriff David A. Clarke, Jr.

This dude is great! He’s a black guy, but he’s also saying everything we already believe about black people! What’s that, Sheriff Clarke? Black Lives Matter is a terrorist organization funded by George Soros and working for Obama to divide the nation racially? Now that’s a message we can get behind. And, again, he’s a black guy, so at the end of the day we’re agreeing with a black guy which means we can’t be racist. Win-win!

Pretty Much Any Country Singer

You can find a quote about faith or the Bible or going to church or American greatness from just about any of them, and those things are very important to us. Country singers talk about the things we like, so we don’t care if they live it or not. It’s what they say that matters.

Jeff Foxworthy

If you’re a hilarious stand-up comedian, the spokesman for Golden Corral, and the subject of several memes about how this nation was founded on Christian principles and liberals are ruining everything, you might be our next Messiah! Right? LOL!

Bernie Sanders

JK! He’s a Jew who criticizes super-wealthy people for being greedy, preaches that people should share with the less fortunate, demands that they be willing to give up some of their things so that other people can have what they need to survive, and believes they should think of others before themselves. That would never work. Gross!

Franklin Graham

His dad is a lot like our old Messiah, so that’s a hurdle for sure, but Franklin has really shown us something despite his poor, grace-and-love-and-acceptance-based upbringing. He is not tolerant of anything, and that is exactly what we’re looking for. Tolerance leads to moral relativism which leads to Sodom and Gomorrah! And we do not want that!

The Constitution

Sure, the Constitution is not a person, but it embodies everything we are looking for — rules, little room for alternative interpretations, and a love of country above all else including other people. If there’s a person out there who embodies the essence of the U. S. Constitution, then we hold THIS truth to be self-evident — YOU’RE IN!

Tim Tebow

Timmy has really had it tough. He’s been legitimately persecuted for praying in public and for being a virgin. The liberal media’s response to Tebow has shown us just how bad things gotten in this country, and he’s handled it like a Heisman Trophy winner. Plus, he plays baseball now and hit a home-run in his first professional at bat. Our last Messiah never did that!

So if you think we’d be a good match, hit us up! Also, please be sure you are charismatic and super-attractive so our friends will be impressed with you!

Thanks! Talk to you soon! Find us on AOL Instant Messenger: AmericanEvangels2002

 

When is it Appropriate to Respond with D-Generation X’s “Suck it” Move?

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: When is it Appropriate to Respond with D-Generation X’s “Suck it” Move?

Please answer YES or NO:

Is it appropriate to respond with D-Generation X’s “suck it” movewhen…

1. Your boss asks you to work late?
2. The Cracker Barrel store is out of moon pies?
3. Dora asks you to repeat something in Spanish?
4. Your grandmother asks you to help her get Christmas trees out of her attic?
5. Someone cuts you off in traffic?
6. Someone cuts you off in the lunch line?
7. Someone cuts you off in line for communion?
8. Your favorite contestant gets kicked off of Project Runway?
9. The UPS guy leaves a package on your porch?
10. Your dog greets you at the door?
11. The band decides to break up?
12. The band signs a record deal?
13. The band keeps playing frat parties?
14. You start a new business?
15. The hostess at TGI Friday’s says your table is ready?
16. You show up late for a funeral?
17. You meet George Clinton?
18. You finish reading Strength to Love by Martin Luther King, Jr.?
19. You successfully perform your own vasectomy?
20. D-Generation X tells you to “suck it”?
21. Someone pops your shoulder back into socket?
22. You are diagnosed with strep throat?
23. Timberlake retweets you?
24. Coffee’s ready?
25. Jumping off the diving board at a public pool?

Answer key: YES to all

10 More Claims Bill O’Reilly Has Made About Slaves

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: 10 More Claims Bill O’Reilly Has Made About Slaves

Last week, Bill O’Reilly made the news by attempting to clarify First Lady Michelle Obama’s comments about slaves building the White House by saying the slaves were “housed” and “well-fed.” This was not the first time O’Reilly spoke out on the topic of slavery, however. Here are some of his previous claims:

1. “Most slaves lived in lavish penthouse apartments a short walk from where they worked.”

2. “Upon abolition, every slave was promised a new pair of Air Jordans but few ever received them.”

3. “American slavery is a myth.”

4. “The American Civil War was actually fought because both the North and South found slavery deplorable but disagreed on how best to abolish it.”

5. “Male slaves were given top hats and monocles to make them feel fancy.”

6. “Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup is named after the famous slave Hattie Earlene Butterworth, who invented the maple tree.”

7. “By law, slaves were offered permanent freedom at the end of each work week.”

8. “The reason slaves sang so many spirituals was to lift the spirits of their masters, who felt really, really bad for owning slaves.”

9. “Slaves invented football.”

10. “My slaves are treated very well.”