Let’s Make This Go Viral: A Man With Dementia Writes a Touching Letter to His Family (Robot Butt)

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: Let’s Make This Go Viral: A Man With Dementia Writes a Touching Letter to His Family

As I sit here on my sofa near the end of a life that was full and good, reflecting, I can’t help but think of the twists and turns I have taken throughout the years. I served in the Korean War, married my high school sweetheart and the love of my life, raised my family, and was a successful bread salesman for over forty years.

I remember the first store I ever approached in the bread business. It was a small-town Piggly Wiggly, and the manager’s name was Buddy Hendricks, but everyone called him “Lucky” because of a fumble he recovered and returned for a touchdown in the state semifinal game in high school. You see, he was a backup on special teams, but Homer Wilkins caught a stomach virus before the game which meant Buddy took his spot. He hadn’t played all year. That touchdown won the game.

Anyway, after this long, fruitful life, I recently found out I have dementia  – an accelerated form, and I have a few things I’d like to say.

To my wife Debbie, I love you, and I always will. You are my rock and the love of my life, and, no matter what happens, you always have a special place in my heart. Dottie, you mean more to me than life itself, and you are my rock and the love of my life, and, no matter what happens, you will always have a special place in my heart.

To my sons Jake and that little one. You have grown into fine young men, and I want you to know that one of you is not my real son. Jake, I know you are an impostor trying to take my family’s money and that you will not stop until the drug cartel you’re working for has everything I worked my whole life for. Well, Bonnie and the little son will never let you take it. YOU HEAR ME?!?! You just need to leave and never come back! Little son, keep impostor Jake away from your mother. He’s dangerous.

Also, Jake, I think those kids of yours may be actual demons.

Did I ever tell you about the time I flew Elvis Presley from Memphis to Las Vegas just so he could punch Don Rickles in the mouth? Apparently Rickles called him an ugly name, and the King didn’t like it. It happened. He tipped me $100 and a TCB gold chain with the year engraved on the back  – 1972.

I remember when I was a kid my parents would always scold me for my grades. In seventh grade, I brought home a C in Literature, and my father, John David Thompson, Sr., made me go outside and till the whole garden myself  –  all the way until dark. He was tough, but it made me a better person. I will never forget that.

While I’m thinking about it, my daughter, Penny, is stealing from me. She took my wedding band! My wife Connie saved for months to get me that ring, and now Penny stole it. That’s okay though  – I know the truth about her husband. But she shouldn’t take my things!

It’s about to rain, and no one will put the mules up in the barn. I guess I have to do everything.

Before I finish, I would be remiss if I didn’t say something to my wife, Delores. You mean more to me than life itself, and you are my rock and the love of my life, and, no matter what happens, you will always have a special place in my heart.

Now please leave me alone before I crash this plane and kill us all.

Peace and love and peace,

John David Thompson, Sr.

Small-Town, Southern Douches

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here Small-Town, Southern Douches

Growing up in a small Southern town you see every variety of small-town douche imaginable. Here are the most common. Which one are you?

Old Money Douche

The Old Money Douche comes from a long line of money and influence. He usually begins to show his douchiness in Jr. High and blossoms into a fully entitled douche in early high school. You may find him on the baseball field, drunk and driving his super expensive car (with a special, super loud muffler) too fast through the middle of town on Friday or Saturday nights, or looking dapper at church on Sunday talking to all the little old Old Money Widows. Once grown, the Old Money Douche usually has a high-paying job stemming from an old family connection.

New Money Douche

This douche is no more than one generation into serious money. He usually stumbled upon some sort of opportunity with absolutely no intention or comes from a parent who worked tirelessly to provide a grand and glorious life for his family. Either way, the New Money Douche believes he is solely responsible for his current financial state. You may find him driving a Ford Raptor (that his parents bought him) and wearing tons of Under Armor attire.

The Won’t Be Ignored Douche

This guy is special. He has a low-paying, highly-sucking job. He struggles from month to month, but his son is just as good as those other kids. He just doesn’t have the name! The Won’t Be Ignored Douche knows that every time his child is reprimanded or doesn’t get to play, it’s because his family doesn’t have as much as everyone else, and he will let you know that loudly and adamantly. You’re no better than him, and he will belittle you and your family in any way necessary to remind you of that.

The Small-Town Politician Douche

You know what? This guy could be a State Representative if he wanted to. The Small Town Politician Douche sits as a City Councilman and doesn’t take any crap from the public. He will let you know quickly that he is in office to serve the people, and then vote against the .25% sales tax increase that would have increased the city schools’ budget by 30%. Don’t ask him why. Don’t question him. He graduated from Ole Miss in 1995 with a 3.6 GPA. He knows what he’s doing. He took a Political Science class with Dr. Garner.

Dispatches from a Memphis Snow Bunker (The Commercial Appeal)

This piece originally appeared in the Memphis, TN Commerical Appeal and online here: Dispatches from a Memphis Snow Bunker

Friday: We knew it was going to happen. We just didn’t know when.

My family and I had been watching the weather for days, but we still couldn’t nail down exactly when the snow would come. 3 a.m.? 6 a.m.? All anyone knew was that it was imminent.

For hours on Thursday night we looked on in silence, and upon awaking Friday morning we saw it wa worse than we imagined. My children ran outside to play in the dangerous stuff. I didn’t have the heart to tell them what they were dealing in.

I just watched in horror as they threw it, rolled in it, ate it. I held my wife’s hand. Tears welled in her eyes. “Stay strong,” I said. The kids were cold and decided to go back inside. We made it through. They survived — barely.

All we can do is outlast it. Time is our enemy. We’ve depleted our bacon and egg supply. There’s just a little milk, and the snow shows no signs of stopping except for the weather telling us that it will end around 11:30 a.m. What about what’s already on the road though? What about that? It could last for hours, possibly until tomorrow. Tomorrow!

Needing supplies, we kept watch on the roads. By the time we felt safe enough to drive a little that afternoon, we had eaten all the chips and salsa in our pantry. Weak with hunger, fatigued physically and emotionally, we braved the weather.

Covered from head to toe, socks on our hands because we couldn’t find gloves, we made the half-mile trek to Kroger. There wasn’t much, but we found enough to make it another day.

Tuesday: This time it came out of nowhere.

The weather lulled us into comfort, then returned like a thief in the night. For the past few days we’d managed pretty well. The roads were OK. We even went to the Grizzlies game Monday like everything was normal. What arrogance!

Tuesday morning, it was back and worse than before. How are we expected to live like this, without help, without hope, without school? This is no way to raise a family.

Jake drew the short straw, so he will be the one to sacrifice himself for the rest of us, if we need supplies. He’s had a good life, though, a long, full 9 years. Hopefully it won’t come to that, but, let’s face it, it probably will.

I feel like we’ve been in this house for weeks even though we got to leave Saturday afternoon, Sunday and Monday. The mind can play tricks on a man. Just now, the dog looked like a giant ham, like in the cartoons.

The bright side is we’ve learned a lot about survival and the resiliency of the human spirit. Rationing the oatmeal, buying an ice scraper, using blankets—these have been the keys to our making it so far.

If things get much worse, though, we’ll have to switch to Emergency Heat. God help us.

Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn’t Know Anything About How British Royalty Works (Medium [Members Only])

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn’t Know Anything About How British Royalty Works

Duchess of Kensingtonshire

Countess Megz

Lindsey Buckingham

Queen Mother Sheer Dress

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince(ss)

Lady Nottingham of Phife

Her Majesty, Your Highness

Princess Diana

Annie Ortiz from the 2009 Reboot of Knight Rider

Don’t Fret Holiday Chit-Chat; Just Find a Narcissist (The Commercial Appeal)

This piece originally appeared in the Memphis, TN Commercial Appeal here: Don’t Fret Holiday Chit-Chat; Just Find a Narcissist

Now that we are in the middle of the holiday season, you are no doubt going to be around a lot of family. Inevitably, you will encounter at least one narcissist.

There have been countless advice columns by psychologists, therapists, counselors, people with eyes and brains, about the negative/poisonous affects of having a narcissist in your life.

I invite you to think of all the benefits that come from having narcissistic personalities around you during the holidays.

You never have to decide what to talk about

Keeping a conversation going can be exhausting. Eventually, you are going to run out of topics. (Let’s face it, you can only talk about weather, sports, kids, and work for so long. Humans have their limits.)

With a narcissist, the conversation will never lag because there is always a new accomplishment or new reason someone is jealous, or not as smart, or a new idea that is not as good as your narcissist’s.

Developing your own opinions and making good decisions can be a hassle

There are so many external forces vying for your thoughts, so many sides trying to persuade you to jump on board in politics, entertainment, religion, fashion, education. Wouldn’t it be nice to have one source for correct opinions and decision-making without even having to think any of them through?

Well, that is exactly what you have in your narcissist. You don’t even have to ask to get your answers. A simple, “Well, the Grammys are coming up,” or “Man, I just can’t decide where my kids need to go to school,” and you will get every ounce of information you will ever need to draw your own conclusions without any of the trouble of reasoning. Just take it in and accept it. Doesn’t that sound easy?

Placing blame has never been easier

When something negative happens, we all look for someone to blame. The problem is, most of us were taught that problems are complicated and nuanced. Having a narcissist puts you two steps ahead. First, it is a lot easier to assign blame when you know whose fault it isn’t, and it will never, ever be your narcissist’s fault. Second, your narcissist — if worth his or her salt — should tell you exactly who to blame in every circumstance.

You always have something to do

Narcissists are needy creatures. They need affirmation and someone to boss around. This means you will never be bored. The bigger the narcissist, the busier you will be, and that is less time you have to occupy with your own things. It is also less time to think about how sad your narcissist is making you. You will be way too busy for any of that.

Hopefully this helps you to realize how blessed you are to have such a self-centered, egocentric, self-absorbed person in your life. If you are lucky enough to have more than one, even better. You can just put them in a room together and watch what happens. That should keep you entertained for quite a while.

(Photo: CBS)

 

What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)! (How Pants Work)

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)!

Billy Joel

1973: A long-haired tough guy from the Bronx

2017: An angry, flesh-colored egg with a goatee


Matthew Perry

1994: Just a young guy with a butt-cut, a big shirt, a vest, and a smirk

2017: That guy who lives next door, alone, in the giant house and walks outside in a loose bathrobe to get his paper every morning


Amy Schumer

2007: A fresh-faced comic with ultra-curly hair, hardly any makeup, and barely visible eyebrows

2017: The same girl with people to help her get ready for things


Justin Timberlake

1998: A Q-tip

2017: A short Chandler Parsons


Michael J. Fox

1985: Classic Marty McFly

2017: Marty McFly in a slow, constant earthquake


Scarlett Johansson

1996: A Scarlett Johnsson-looking child

2017: OUT WITH COLIN JOST?


Cyndi Lauper

1983: A wild dresser topped with huge, bright red hair and filled with youthful vibrance

2017: The same but with pink hair and a touch of your mother


Heath Ledger

1998: The quintessential late-1990s happ-go-lucky Australianer

2017: You don’t want to know


Bono

1978: A lone-wolf

2017: An Andy Samberg character


Luke Perry

1990: A ruggedly handsome James Dean type

2017: A FREAKING 50-YEAR-OLD MAN!!!