I am the Suburban Woman Who Ordered on the Starbucks App, and You are All Beneath Me!

This piece originally appeared at Slackjaw on Medium here: I am the Suburban Woman Who Ordered on the Starbucks App, and You are All Beneath Me! Fools in the Starbucks line hear me! See me! Remember this face, for it is the face of efficiency. It is the face of planning — of thinking ahead. … Continue reading I am the Suburban Woman Who Ordered on the Starbucks App, and You are All Beneath Me!

The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)

This piece originally appeared in The Weekly Humorist here: The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola) Pepsi greatly increases the risk of obesity in teens Wilkins, Derrick. Pepsi and Weight Gain During Adolescence. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company. High levels of Pepsi intake in children leads to a 61% greater chance of diabetes … Continue reading The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)

My Signed Book Collection

This piece was co-written with Erik Sternberger and originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: My Signed Book Collection Recently President Donald J. Trump has come under ridicule for signing Bibles after the fatal tornadoes in Alabama. “Why did people have him sign Bibles?”, “Have those idiots ever actually read the Bible if they think Trump … Continue reading My Signed Book Collection

A Guide to Determining Whether You Should Take Your Child to the Emergency Room

This piece first appeared on Points in Case here: A Guide to Determining Whether You Should Take Your Child to the Emergency Room Every parent knows the difficulties and health concerns that arise raising children. There are high fevers, mystery viruses, vomiting, breaks, sprains, tears, concussions. There are all kinds of things that can harm a … Continue reading A Guide to Determining Whether You Should Take Your Child to the Emergency Room

Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Singles

This piece originally appeared in Slackjaw on Medium here: Valentine's Day Alternatives for Singles Galentine’s Get together with the girls, pop open a bottle of wine, and spend the evening talking about work, love, and life. Palentine’s Hang out with the boys, get good and drunk, and say things like, “You know? We’re friends. You know … Continue reading Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Singles

Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

This piece originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez The following represents all of the GOP-approved activities relating to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. In light of the recent dancing video, please take time to review this list. Responding with a simple “Hello.” when spoken to Making coffee Bringing coffee … Continue reading Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

10 Actors Who Became Famous for Roles That Don Knotts Turned Down

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: 10 Actors Who Became Famous for Roles That Don Knotts Turned Down Roger Moore – James Bond, Live and Let Die (1973) John Travolta – Danny Zuko, Grease (1978) Alan Rickman – Hans Gruber, Die Hard (1988) Ralph Fiennes – Amon Göth, Schindler’s List (1993) Ewan McGregor – Mark Renton, Trainspotting (1996) Mark Wahlberg – Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights (1997) … Continue reading 10 Actors Who Became Famous for Roles That Don Knotts Turned Down