Lines That Should Land Me a Job on “Bluff City Law”

This piece appeared in The Daily Memphian here: Lines That Should Land Me a Job on "Bluff City Law". The premier of NBC’s "Bluff City Law," a courtroom drama set and filmed in Memphis, has brought an energy with it to the city. There is a certain excitement and pride that comes with living, working … Continue reading Lines That Should Land Me a Job on “Bluff City Law”

I am the Suburban Woman Who Ordered on the Starbucks App, and You are All Beneath Me!

This piece originally appeared at Slackjaw on Medium here: I am the Suburban Woman Who Ordered on the Starbucks App, and You are All Beneath Me! Fools in the Starbucks line hear me! See me! Remember this face, for it is the face of efficiency. It is the face of planning — of thinking ahead. … Continue reading I am the Suburban Woman Who Ordered on the Starbucks App, and You are All Beneath Me!

The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)

This piece originally appeared in The Weekly Humorist here: The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola) Pepsi greatly increases the risk of obesity in teens Wilkins, Derrick. Pepsi and Weight Gain During Adolescence. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company. High levels of Pepsi intake in children leads to a 61% greater chance of diabetes … Continue reading The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)

My Signed Book Collection

This piece was co-written with Erik Sternberger and originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: My Signed Book Collection Recently President Donald J. Trump has come under ridicule for signing Bibles after the fatal tornadoes in Alabama. “Why did people have him sign Bibles?”, “Have those idiots ever actually read the Bible if they think Trump … Continue reading My Signed Book Collection

A Guide to Determining Whether You Should Take Your Child to the Emergency Room

This piece first appeared on Points in Case here: A Guide to Determining Whether You Should Take Your Child to the Emergency Room Every parent knows the difficulties and health concerns that arise raising children. There are high fevers, mystery viruses, vomiting, breaks, sprains, tears, concussions. There are all kinds of things that can harm a … Continue reading A Guide to Determining Whether You Should Take Your Child to the Emergency Room

Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Singles

This piece originally appeared in Slackjaw on Medium here: Valentine's Day Alternatives for Singles Galentine’s Get together with the girls, pop open a bottle of wine, and spend the evening talking about work, love, and life. Palentine’s Hang out with the boys, get good and drunk, and say things like, “You know? We’re friends. You know … Continue reading Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Singles

Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

This piece originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez The following represents all of the GOP-approved activities relating to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. In light of the recent dancing video, please take time to review this list. Responding with a simple “Hello.” when spoken to Making coffee Bringing coffee … Continue reading Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

10 Actors Who Became Famous for Roles That Don Knotts Turned Down

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: 10 Actors Who Became Famous for Roles That Don Knotts Turned Down Roger Moore – James Bond, Live and Let Die (1973) John Travolta – Danny Zuko, Grease (1978) Alan Rickman – Hans Gruber, Die Hard (1988) Ralph Fiennes – Amon Göth, Schindler’s List (1993) Ewan McGregor – Mark Renton, Trainspotting (1996) Mark Wahlberg – Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights (1997) … Continue reading 10 Actors Who Became Famous for Roles That Don Knotts Turned Down

Letters Smuggled Out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

This piece was co-written with Erik Sternberger originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: Letters Smuggled Out from the Front Lines of Amazon's Never-Ending Holiday Sale My Darling Megan, I fear there is no end in sight to this year’s holiday season. The punch clock tells me it is the 26th of November, but I … Continue reading Letters Smuggled Out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

What to Watch for at Billy Beckham’s Long-Awaited Funeral Service

This piece originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: What to Watch for at Billy Beckham's Long-Awaited Funeral Service After seventy-two years of waiting, the funeral service of William C. (Billy) Beckham, the retired air conditioner repairman and Home Depot paint department attendant from Paragould, Arkansas is finally here, and it looks like it will … Continue reading What to Watch for at Billy Beckham’s Long-Awaited Funeral Service

In Memoriam: Those We’ve Lost to Make Paul Manafort’s Belongings

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: In Memoriam: Those We've Lost to Make Paul Manafort's Belongings. Over the years, we have lost many great creatures to Paul Manafort’s desire for lavish clothing and other exotic belongings. Here, we remember those who are no longer with us: Tony (Python) – Jacket Al (Alligator) – Luggage … Continue reading In Memoriam: Those We’ve Lost to Make Paul Manafort’s Belongings

Dispatches from a Memphis Snow Bunker

This piece originally appeared in the Memphis, TN Commerical Appeal and online here: Dispatches from a Memphis Snow Bunker Friday: We knew it was going to happen. We just didn’t know when. My family and I had been watching the weather for days, but we still couldn’t nail down exactly when the snow would come. 3 … Continue reading Dispatches from a Memphis Snow Bunker

Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn’t Know Anything About How British Royalty Works

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn't Know Anything About How British Royalty Works Duchess of Kensingtonshire Countess Megz Lindsey Buckingham Queen Mother Sheer Dress The Artist Formerly Known as Prince(ss) Lady Nottingham of Phife Her Majesty, Your Highness Princess Diana Annie Ortiz from the … Continue reading Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn’t Know Anything About How British Royalty Works

Don’t Fret Holiday Chit-Chat; Just Find a Narcissist

This piece originally appeared in the Memphis, TN Commercial Appeal here: Don't Fret Holiday Chit-Chat; Just Find a Narcissist Now that we are in the middle of the holiday season, you are no doubt going to be around a lot of family. Inevitably, you will encounter at least one narcissist. There have been countless advice … Continue reading Don’t Fret Holiday Chit-Chat; Just Find a Narcissist

What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)!

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)! Billy Joel 1973: A long-haired tough guy from the Bronx 2017: An angry, flesh-colored egg with a goatee Matthew Perry 1994: Just a young guy with a butt-cut, a big shirt, a vest, and a smirk 2017: … Continue reading What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)!

An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: An Updated Look at Trump's Leaked "To Oppose" List 1. Democrats 2. Republicans 3. Politicians 4. The Swamp 5. POWs 6. Disabled people 7. John McCain specifically  8. Hispanics 9. African Americans 10. Any other brown people I forgot 11. Muslims 12. Refugees 13. Muslim refugees 14. … Continue reading An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List

Anthony Scaramucci’s 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Anthony Scaramucci's 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes After Mooch’s Twitter poll about the Holocaust, we checked his Buzzfeed history. Here are his favorites. Which Man From Anne Frank’s Diary Would You Go Home With? Van Daan? Otto? Peter? After a night out, who would you go home with? How … Continue reading Anthony Scaramucci’s 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes

Advice for My Son on Becoming a Man

This piece originally appeared on Slackjaw here: Advice for My Son on Becoming a Man Always stand when a lady enters a room, and never sit back down. “Like” everything you can on Facebook. There may come a time when you can’t. Don’t blink. Ever. Linus didn’t need that blanket. Always take your phone in the … Continue reading Advice for My Son on Becoming a Man

Is It OK if I Wear My Overalls to Bible Study?

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: Is It OK if I Wear My Overalls to Bible Study? I don’t want to be a nuisance, but I have a question: Is it OK if I wear my overalls to Bible study? I just didn’t know if it would be a problem. I know we’re … Continue reading Is It OK if I Wear My Overalls to Bible Study?

Quiz: Real Band or Just Letters?

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: Real Band or Just Letters? XTC INXS BLNKSPCE KRZYBTT MGMT MDGT FLRP PWR BTTM FRT BLSSM JPNSGRLS DWNTWN FNKYTWN BRSTMLKD GDCMPLX NOFX MSTRKRFT ELO CRPFCTRY LMFAO BBYSQRTS Answers Real Band: 1, 2, 5, 8, 10, 11, 15, 16, 17, 19 Just Letters: 3, 4, 6, 7, 9, 12, … Continue reading Quiz: Real Band or Just Letters?

You’re Invited to Rhonda’s Bereavement Party!

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: You're Invited to Rhonda's Bereavement Party! Hey, Girls! As you all know, Rhonda’s husband Gary passed away yesterday after a long, hard-fought battle with pancreatic cancer, so we’re putting together a little girls’ night on Friday. This is Rhonda’s first night of freedom, so get ready … Continue reading You’re Invited to Rhonda’s Bereavement Party!