Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

This piece originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez The following represents all of the GOP-approved activities relating to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. In light of the recent dancing video, please take time to review this list. Responding with a simple “Hello.” when spoken to Making coffee Bringing coffee … Continue reading Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

All the New Reasons Why Members of the Press Can be Banned from the White House

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: All the New Reasons Why Members of the Press Can be Banned from the White House Historically low approval ratings Using children’s insurance as a bargaining chip Using racism advantageously A cameo in Home Alone 2 Multiple bankruptcies Not draining the swamp at all Actually making the swamp … Continue reading All the New Reasons Why Members of the Press Can be Banned from the White House

In Memoriam: Those We’ve Lost to Make Paul Manafort’s Belongings

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: In Memoriam: Those We've Lost to Make Paul Manafort's Belongings. Over the years, we have lost many great creatures to Paul Manafort’s desire for lavish clothing and other exotic belongings. Here, we remember those who are no longer with us: Tony (Python) – Jacket Al (Alligator) – Luggage … Continue reading In Memoriam: Those We’ve Lost to Make Paul Manafort’s Belongings

An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: An Updated Look at Trump's Leaked "To Oppose" List 1. Democrats 2. Republicans 3. Politicians 4. The Swamp 5. POWs 6. Disabled people 7. John McCain specifically  8. Hispanics 9. African Americans 10. Any other brown people I forgot 11. Muslims 12. Refugees 13. Muslim refugees 14. … Continue reading An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List

Op-ed: The Mainstream Media is Blaming Me for Ruining Terry and Joan’s Dinner Party

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Op-ed: The Mainstream Media is Blaming Me for Ruining Terry and Joan's Dinner Party You’ve probably seen reports in the lamestream media blaming me for ruining Terry and Joan’s dinner party. As usual, those reports are 100% false! That party was terrible from the start. First, they are … Continue reading Op-ed: The Mainstream Media is Blaming Me for Ruining Terry and Joan’s Dinner Party

Anthony Scaramucci’s 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Anthony Scaramucci's 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes After Mooch’s Twitter poll about the Holocaust, we checked his Buzzfeed history. Here are his favorites. Which Man From Anne Frank’s Diary Would You Go Home With? Van Daan? Otto? Peter? After a night out, who would you go home with? How … Continue reading Anthony Scaramucci’s 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes

With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt: With Everything That's Happening Right Now, I'd Like to Announce I'm Selling Diet Pills Hey Errybody! LOL! What’s up all my Facebook amigos? You doing good? You’re about to be doing better! I’m going to make this the best time of your life by offering you something that … Continue reading With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills

You Guys are Doing a Great Job!

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: You Guys are Doing a Great Job! In light of the recent tensions among Americans from all walks of life, we, the Holy Trinity, one God in three parts, want to let you all know where we stand on the matter. There are those on both … Continue reading You Guys are Doing a Great Job!

A Rap/Hip-Hop Compilation Recorded for the Trump Inauguration

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: A Rap/Hip-Hop Compilation Recorded for the Trump Inauguration Through some deep sources within President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team, we have uncovered a track list of rap/hip-hop songs re-recorded (“All tremendously legal,” we were assured) for Trump’s upcoming inauguration in January: 1. “F*ck Tha Police Because You Appreciate … Continue reading A Rap/Hip-Hop Compilation Recorded for the Trump Inauguration

There are Plenty of Things We Can All Come Together to Hate

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: There are Plenty of Things We Can All Come Together to Hate America is divided. The election is over, and people are fighting in the streets, at work, on social media, at home. Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama have all stepped forward to ask the American … Continue reading There are Plenty of Things We Can All Come Together to Hate

How to Maintain Your Sanity for the Last Few Days of This Election

This piece originally appeared on Second City Netowork and Redeye Chicago: Second City Network, Redeye Chicago It’s almost over, everyone. Stay safe—and sane— out there by following a few simple guidelines. Don’t make eye contact. If you look at the wrong person, he or she may bring up politics before you can stop it. Just don’t look … Continue reading How to Maintain Your Sanity for the Last Few Days of This Election

MFM: White Evangelicals Seeking New Messiah

This piece originally appeared on The Establishment here: MFM: White Evangelicals Seeking New Messiah Hey, y’all! White Evangelicals here. You know, Jerry Fallwell, Jr. types. We’re new to this whole dating thing, but ready to meet someone! We just got out of a long-term relationship that honestly was over years ago — we had lost interest in Him, … Continue reading MFM: White Evangelicals Seeking New Messiah