Dispatches from a Memphis Snow Bunker (The Commercial Appeal)

This piece originally appeared in the Memphis, TN Commerical Appeal and online here: Dispatches from a Memphis Snow Bunker

Friday: We knew it was going to happen. We just didn’t know when.

My family and I had been watching the weather for days, but we still couldn’t nail down exactly when the snow would come. 3 a.m.? 6 a.m.? All anyone knew was that it was imminent.

For hours on Thursday night we looked on in silence, and upon awaking Friday morning we saw it wa worse than we imagined. My children ran outside to play in the dangerous stuff. I didn’t have the heart to tell them what they were dealing in.

I just watched in horror as they threw it, rolled in it, ate it. I held my wife’s hand. Tears welled in her eyes. “Stay strong,” I said. The kids were cold and decided to go back inside. We made it through. They survived — barely.

All we can do is outlast it. Time is our enemy. We’ve depleted our bacon and egg supply. There’s just a little milk, and the snow shows no signs of stopping except for the weather telling us that it will end around 11:30 a.m. What about what’s already on the road though? What about that? It could last for hours, possibly until tomorrow. Tomorrow!

Needing supplies, we kept watch on the roads. By the time we felt safe enough to drive a little that afternoon, we had eaten all the chips and salsa in our pantry. Weak with hunger, fatigued physically and emotionally, we braved the weather.

Covered from head to toe, socks on our hands because we couldn’t find gloves, we made the half-mile trek to Kroger. There wasn’t much, but we found enough to make it another day.

Tuesday: This time it came out of nowhere.

The weather lulled us into comfort, then returned like a thief in the night. For the past few days we’d managed pretty well. The roads were OK. We even went to the Grizzlies game Monday like everything was normal. What arrogance!

Tuesday morning, it was back and worse than before. How are we expected to live like this, without help, without hope, without school? This is no way to raise a family.

Jake drew the short straw, so he will be the one to sacrifice himself for the rest of us, if we need supplies. He’s had a good life, though, a long, full 9 years. Hopefully it won’t come to that, but, let’s face it, it probably will.

I feel like we’ve been in this house for weeks even though we got to leave Saturday afternoon, Sunday and Monday. The mind can play tricks on a man. Just now, the dog looked like a giant ham, like in the cartoons.

The bright side is we’ve learned a lot about survival and the resiliency of the human spirit. Rationing the oatmeal, buying an ice scraper, using blankets—these have been the keys to our making it so far.

If things get much worse, though, we’ll have to switch to Emergency Heat. God help us.

Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn’t Know Anything About How British Royalty Works (Medium [Members Only])

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn’t Know Anything About How British Royalty Works

Duchess of Kensingtonshire

Countess Megz

Lindsey Buckingham

Queen Mother Sheer Dress

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince(ss)

Lady Nottingham of Phife

Her Majesty, Your Highness

Princess Diana

Annie Ortiz from the 2009 Reboot of Knight Rider

Don’t Fret Holiday Chit-Chat; Just Find a Narcissist (The Commercial Appeal)

This piece originally appeared in the Memphis, TN Commercial Appeal here: Don’t Fret Holiday Chit-Chat; Just Find a Narcissist

Now that we are in the middle of the holiday season, you are no doubt going to be around a lot of family. Inevitably, you will encounter at least one narcissist.

There have been countless advice columns by psychologists, therapists, counselors, people with eyes and brains, about the negative/poisonous affects of having a narcissist in your life.

I invite you to think of all the benefits that come from having narcissistic personalities around you during the holidays.

You never have to decide what to talk about

Keeping a conversation going can be exhausting. Eventually, you are going to run out of topics. (Let’s face it, you can only talk about weather, sports, kids, and work for so long. Humans have their limits.)

With a narcissist, the conversation will never lag because there is always a new accomplishment or new reason someone is jealous, or not as smart, or a new idea that is not as good as your narcissist’s.

Developing your own opinions and making good decisions can be a hassle

There are so many external forces vying for your thoughts, so many sides trying to persuade you to jump on board in politics, entertainment, religion, fashion, education. Wouldn’t it be nice to have one source for correct opinions and decision-making without even having to think any of them through?

Well, that is exactly what you have in your narcissist. You don’t even have to ask to get your answers. A simple, “Well, the Grammys are coming up,” or “Man, I just can’t decide where my kids need to go to school,” and you will get every ounce of information you will ever need to draw your own conclusions without any of the trouble of reasoning. Just take it in and accept it. Doesn’t that sound easy?

Placing blame has never been easier

When something negative happens, we all look for someone to blame. The problem is, most of us were taught that problems are complicated and nuanced. Having a narcissist puts you two steps ahead. First, it is a lot easier to assign blame when you know whose fault it isn’t, and it will never, ever be your narcissist’s fault. Second, your narcissist — if worth his or her salt — should tell you exactly who to blame in every circumstance.

You always have something to do

Narcissists are needy creatures. They need affirmation and someone to boss around. This means you will never be bored. The bigger the narcissist, the busier you will be, and that is less time you have to occupy with your own things. It is also less time to think about how sad your narcissist is making you. You will be way too busy for any of that.

Hopefully this helps you to realize how blessed you are to have such a self-centered, egocentric, self-absorbed person in your life. If you are lucky enough to have more than one, even better. You can just put them in a room together and watch what happens. That should keep you entertained for quite a while.

(Photo: CBS)

 

What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)! (How Pants Work)

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)!

Billy Joel

1973: A long-haired tough guy from the Bronx

2017: An angry, flesh-colored egg with a goatee


Matthew Perry

1994: Just a young guy with a butt-cut, a big shirt, a vest, and a smirk

2017: That guy who lives next door, alone, in the giant house and walks outside in a loose bathrobe to get his paper every morning


Amy Schumer

2007: A fresh-faced comic with ultra-curly hair, hardly any makeup, and barely visible eyebrows

2017: The same girl with people to help her get ready for things


Justin Timberlake

1998: A Q-tip

2017: A short Chandler Parsons


Michael J. Fox

1985: Classic Marty McFly

2017: Marty McFly in a slow, constant earthquake


Scarlett Johansson

1996: A Scarlett Johnsson-looking child

2017: OUT WITH COLIN JOST?


Cyndi Lauper

1983: A wild dresser topped with huge, bright red hair and filled with youthful vibrance

2017: The same but with pink hair and a touch of your mother


Heath Ledger

1998: The quintessential late-1990s happ-go-lucky Australianer

2017: You don’t want to know


Bono

1978: A lone-wolf

2017: An Andy Samberg character


Luke Perry

1990: A ruggedly handsome James Dean type

2017: A FREAKING 50-YEAR-OLD MAN!!!

An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List (Robot Butt)

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List

1. Democrats

2. Republicans

3. Politicians

4. The Swamp

5. POWs

6. Disabled people

7. John McCain specifically 

8. Hispanics

9. African Americans

10. Any other brown people I forgot

11. Muslims

12. Refugees

13. Muslim refugees

14. Hillary

15. Women

16. Other Clintons

17. Gold Star parents

18. Protesters (female and/or black)

19. NFL players

20. NFL owners

21. NFL refs

22. John McCain again

23. Bob Corker (?)

24. Gold Star spouses

25. The troops

26. Children

27. Dolphins

28. Marshmallows

29. The flag

30. Fun

31. Game night!

32. Soup kitchens

33. Beaches

34. The Unknown Soldier

35. Charity

36. Kittens

37. Sparkles

38. Tom Hanks

39. Happiness

40. Those killed in action during WWII

Anthony Scaramucci’s 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes (Medium [Members Only])

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Anthony Scaramucci’s 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes

After Mooch’s Twitter poll about the Holocaust, we checked his Buzzfeed history. Here are his favorites.

Which Man From Anne Frank’s Diary Would You Go Home With?

Van Daan? Otto? Peter? After a night out, who would you go home with?

How Hitler are You?

Everybody’s a little Hitler. Find out how much Hitler you are.

Did the Holocaust Really Happen?

This quiz is one “Yes or No” question.

How Long Would You Survive in the Death Camps?

Find out how long you would survive based on how you respond to photographs of different landscapes.

Which Friends Character are You?

I bet you’re Joey, you idiot.

Advice for My Son on Becoming a Man (Slackjaw)

This piece originally appeared on Slackjaw here: Advice for My Son on Becoming a Man

  1. Always stand when a lady enters a room, and never sit back down.
  2. “Like” everything you can on Facebook. There may come a time when you can’t.
  3. Don’t blink. Ever.
  4. Linus didn’t need that blanket.
  5. Always take your phone in the bathroom with you. You never know how long you may be.
  6. It’s more like, “Jack of a lot of trades.” Nobody’s that good.
  7. The pocket square ain’t for snottin.
  8. Life is more than a series of connected events and personal relationships, probably.
  9. Mantles are there for a reason.
  10. O. J. totally did it.
  11. Craps is a usually a dice game but not always.
  12. Listen to the wind, and always — ALWAYS — do what it tells you.
  13. A china cabinet is for dishes and not what you might assume based on the name.
  14. The only rugs worth having used to be animals.
  15. Don’t worry about comma splices, they’re totally fine.
  16. If you meet a one-armed man with the last name LaVerne, do not tell him who you are.
  17. When you shake a man’s hand, look him straight in the forehead. He’ll think you’re looking in his eyes, but you’ll know the real story which gives you the upper hand.
  18. A dog is never a person. It’s a dog even if it’s wearing glasses.
  19. Always fly first class. According to Home Alone there’s free champagne.
  20. Never play hide and seek with a blind man. You think it’ll be easy, but they’ve got heightened senses, remember?
  21. Confidence.
  22. Don’t name your son Gary. I know there are adults named Gary, but it’s weird to picture a little kid named Gary.
  23. Romantic comedies are only good for one thing: nothing.