An Op-Ed By Tony Romo: I Look Forward To The Many Injuries Awaiting Me As A Broadcaster

This piece originally appeared on Second City Network here: An Op-Ed by Tony Romo: I Look Forward to the Many Injuries Awaiting Me as a Broadcaster

For the past fourteen NFL seasons, I have been blessed to go to work every day doing what I love—hurting myself for America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys. While it’s been a wonderful, crazy ride, I have decided that it’s time to call it a career. I am retiring from football on my own terms and would like to take this opportunity to thank my family, Jerry Jones (who took a big chance on me back in 2003), my teammates and the fans for allowing me to put my health on the line every week I was on the active roster rather than injured reserve. It means more to me than any of you will ever know.

I know what you’re all thinking. Tony, will you be satisfied if you’re not playing football? I admit, it’s a question I’ve asked myself a lot over the past few weeks, but I know it’s time, and that’s the most important thing. When you no longer have a desire to feel the physical pain of grotesque bodily injuries, it’s time to give it up. That’s where I am. It wouldn’t be fair to my teammates to go back now. Sure, there are things I will miss about football—broken collar bones, concussions, cracked vertebrae, other broken collar bones—but I am excited about the opportunities ahead. The future is bright and hobbley for old Tony Romo.

In fact, I have already made the decision to join CBS and begin my future in broadcasting. I will be fulfilling another lifelong dream by officially joining the ranks of Jim Nantz, James Brown (not that one), Phil Simms and the like. It will also present many new and exciting ways in which I can hurt myself: being hit by a big camera, tripping over wires, someone holding a boom mic over the shoulder and turning around real fast and hitting me in the face “Three Stooges”-style. The possibilities are almost endless. Plus, I’ll be spending a lot more time at home, and we have a lot of stairs.

Again, as I make this transition, I want to thank everyone in the Cowboys organization as well as all the Cowboy fans across the country for taking me in and letting me be a part of this team’s great legacy. I also want to thank the medical staffs at Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital, Parkland Hospital, Baylor University Medical Center at Dallas, Medical City Dallas Hospital, Methodist Dallas Medical Center, Kindred Hospital of Dallas, LifeCare Hospitals of Dallas, Dallas Medical Center, William P. Clements, Jr. University Hospital, Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children, Zale Lipshy University Hospital, and North Dallas Alternative Medicine for all the care you’ve shown me over the past fourteen years.

It’s been a lot of fun, guys. God bless. Good luck. And I’m pretty sure I just sprained my wrist.

The American Family Association’s Updated List of Unforgivable Disney Offenses

This piece originally appeared at Second City Network and Huffington Post Comedy: The Second City Network, The Huffington Post Comedy

Dear Reader,

It has been some time since we have officially updated our list of Disney offenses. Recently, the controversial children’s entertainment company announced that its first openly homosexual character will appear in the new live-action telling of “Beauty and the Beast.”

We were shocked—that is, until we examined other Disney films—and we couldn’t believe what we found. In light of our recent discoveries, we have developed a list of the truly un-American and immoral offenses in Disney movies, both animated and live-action.

As a decent American, please read and boycott accordingly.

  1. Human/beast interspecies relationships
  2. Seashell bosom covers that honestly could fall off at any point
  3. Most of the cast of “The Princess and the Frog”
  4. Three presumably lesbian fairies living together in the woods
  5. Glorification of stealing the Declaration of Independence
  6. An illegal immigrant stray Chihuahua
  7. Tramps
  8. Vin Diesel as a babysitter
  9. Anti-American sentiments in “Pocahontas”
  10. Literally everything about “Hannah Montana” that we should’ve spotted from the get-go
  11. Uncle Albert’s drug use
  12. Polygamy amongst dwarves
  13. Anti-Second Amendment sentiments in “Bambi”
  14. Sorcery/witchcraft/Angela Lansbury of any variety
  15. Normalization of Middle Eastern people and genies
  16. A seriously freaky Friday
  17. Normalization of talking snowmen
  18. Normalization of female rabbit cops
  19. Normalization of lost boys
  20. Merida
  21. Rastafarian crabs
  22. The unclear nature of two male chipmunks’ relationship
  23. Jazz
  24. A gluttonous, effeminate bear
  25. Cocaine usage in inner-Hundred Acre Woods
  26. Big summer blowouts
  27. Shrunken children
  28. Randy Newman
  29. Giant homicide
  30. A probably bisexual mouse

We are currently working to expand this list with about a thousand more updates.

Thank you, and have a blessed day.

Sincerely,

The American Family Association

An Op-Ed by Parson Brown: The Constant Comparison to a Snowman is Really Hurtful

This piece originally appeared on Second City Network here: An Op-Ed by Parson Brown: The Constant Comparison to a Snowman is Really Hurtful

I’ll never forget the day I walked up on those kids condescendingly calling that snowman by my name. I’d just left from giving the eulogy at a funeral for a young father who died of tuberculosis, leaving behind a wife and four small children. I didn’t think my day could get any worse. I was wrong.

“Let’s pretend he is Parson Brown,” they said. “He’ll ask us if we’re married. What a creep! We’re just kids.” (I always ask if they’re married as a joke, like asking a four-year-old if he’s in college. I’m obviously kidding, but one mother hears you, and suddenly you’re labeled a perv.) Then they placed a tiny carrot below the charcoal buttons on the snowman and laughed hysterically. What’s worse, when they saw me, instead of feeling bad or running off, they just pointed and laughed even harder.

Now, I know I’m not the most attractive guy. I never have been. High school was hell for me. I’m pale and oddly-shaped—dumpy, even—but to build a snowman, and a sloppy one at that, just to name it after me is taking it too far. It’s not necessary. I would never have done that as a child, especially to a man of the cloth. There’s no respect in this world anymore. My father was a parson too, and he never had to deal with anything like this. And guess what? There are plenty of successful, happy, odd-looking people out there. You don’t hear people talking about Steve Buscemi or Larry Bird like that. I guess if I could act or play ball, it would be different. But no—I just pray and console the hurting and lonely and help the poor like some kind of loser.

By the way, thanks for bringing the meadow back up, too. I loved that meadow. It was my quiet place—the place where I would pray and reflect—but one day, someone noticed me out there eating my lunch and assumed I was watching the students at the girls’ school next door and told my wife. That’s when she left, so using that same meadow isn’t just “hurtful.” It’s in poor taste. What if, once a year, I brought up that thing that ruined your marriage? How would you like that? What if I wrote a Christmas carol about that time you had some drinks at your wife’s birthday party and got a little handsy with her younger sister? Not so fun now, is it?

Look, I know it’s Christmas, and everyone’s all cheery and jubilant and carefree, but some of us have pretty terrible memories about this time of year. I wish you people would think about that when you’re singing this mess. While we’re at it, let’s just stop with “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” okay? That family is really hurting.

How to Maintain Your Sanity for the Last Few Days of This Election

This piece originally appeared on Second City Netowork and Redeye Chicago: Second City NetworkRedeye Chicago

It’s almost over, everyone. Stay safe—and sane— out there by following a few simple guidelines.

Don’t make eye contact.

If you look at the wrong person, he or she may bring up politics before you can stop it. Just don’t look at anyone. Keep your head down, and don’t talk to people at Trader Joe’s or in line at Protein Bar or at your family dinner table or wherever. If you have places you frequent where you know people will try to have a conversation with you, like your place of work, stay away…just until November 9. It won’t be that bad.

Try not to pick up a newspaper or watch TV news for the next few weeks and also cancel your WiFi and just throw all your electronics away.

Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into watching or reading the opinions of others, because eventually you’ll just get upset. Besides, there’s nothing going on that you absolutely have to know about. It may seem extreme, but what’s more important than your sanity, right?

Buy all the canned vegetables and meat you can afford.

With all the time you’ll be spending at home, you’ll need a lot of food. Buy it up. Don’t be shy. People may look at you funny—like you’re crazy or something—but you’re not crazy. You’re the sane one. Besides you won’t know they’re looking at you because you’re not making eye contact, remember?

Get your basement ready.

Get a radio, kerosene lamps, guns (we’ll cover that later) and all that canned food ready downstairs. Have a very specific plan for when you will actually move in. Under what circumstances do you move into the basement? You’d better have an answer! If you don’t have a basement, dig one. You won’t regret it.

Buy all the guns and ammo you can.

If Hillary wins, you won’t be able to buy them anymore. If Donald wins, you’ll need everything you can get your hands on. Either way, you’re good. Or doomed. Or both!

You know what? Just go ahead and get in the basement now.

Go. Now. It’s time!

Only listen to ESPN Radio while you’re down there.

Wait! Kaepernick! That won’t work. Oldies stations! Find the Oldies stations. That should be pretty harmless.

You may only read magazines to occupy your time.

National Geographic Kids, Southern Living…and that is all. The older, the better.

What are you doing? GET IN THE BASEMENT! NOW!

Seriously! But don’t allow more than one other person down there with you. Everyone can only choose one person to live with for the next four or eight years. Figure out who’s coming with you, and do it quickly! Fingers crossed you make the right choice. I won’t be responsible for what happens if you don’t.