In Memoriam: Those We’ve Lost to Make Paul Manafort’s Belongings

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: In Memoriam: Those We’ve Lost to Make Paul Manafort’s Belongings.

Over the years, we have lost many great creatures to Paul Manafort’s desire for lavish clothing and other exotic belongings. Here, we remember those who are no longer with us:

  • Tony (Python) – Jacket
  • Al (Alligator) – Luggage
  • Demetrius (Crocodile) – Belt and Shoes
  • Lorelei (Gazelle) – Drapes
  • Darcy (Chameleon) – Watch Band
  • Brody (Dolphin) – Bottle Opener
  • Ginger (Koala) House Shoes
  • The Moore Sisters (Ducklings) – Earmuffs
  • Petunia (Horse) – Horse-Hoof Paperweights
  • Sam (Labradoodle) – Throw Pillows
  • Tedford (Shark) – Tooth Necklace
  • Koko (Gorilla) – Automobile Seat Covers
  • Graham (Komodo Dragon) – Fancy Underwear
  • Tre (Giraffe) – Propane Grill Cover
  • Brian (Anaconda) – Anaconda Costume
  • Eleanor (Siamese Cat) – Dress Socks with “Purrfection” Stitched on the Sides
  • Grace (Skunk) – Bath Mat
  • The Tichner Family (Mice) – Small Drawstring Jewelry Pouch
  • Marilyn (Polar Bear) – Rug
  • Ava (Lioness) – Claw Fountain Pens
  • Noah and Eli (Human Babies) – Waterproof Hunting Boots
  • Luke (Steer) – Decorative Skull

Let’s Make This Go Viral: A Man With Dementia Writes a Touching Letter to His Family

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: Let’s Make This Go Viral: A Man With Dementia Writes a Touching Letter to His Family

As I sit here on my sofa near the end of a life that was full and good, reflecting, I can’t help but think of the twists and turns I have taken throughout the years. I served in the Korean War, married my high school sweetheart and the love of my life, raised my family, and was a successful bread salesman for over forty years.

I remember the first store I ever approached in the bread business. It was a small-town Piggly Wiggly, and the manager’s name was Buddy Hendricks, but everyone called him “Lucky” because of a fumble he recovered and returned for a touchdown in the state semifinal game in high school. You see, he was a backup on special teams, but Homer Wilkins caught a stomach virus before the game which meant Buddy took his spot. He hadn’t played all year. That touchdown won the game.

Anyway, after this long, fruitful life, I recently found out I have dementia  – an accelerated form, and I have a few things I’d like to say.

To my wife Debbie, I love you, and I always will. You are my rock and the love of my life, and, no matter what happens, you always have a special place in my heart. Dottie, you mean more to me than life itself, and you are my rock and the love of my life, and, no matter what happens, you will always have a special place in my heart.

To my sons Jake and that little one. You have grown into fine young men, and I want you to know that one of you is not my real son. Jake, I know you are an impostor trying to take my family’s money and that you will not stop until the drug cartel you’re working for has everything I worked my whole life for. Well, Bonnie and the little son will never let you take it. YOU HEAR ME?!?! You just need to leave and never come back! Little son, keep impostor Jake away from your mother. He’s dangerous.

Also, Jake, I think those kids of yours may be actual demons.

Did I ever tell you about the time I flew Elvis Presley from Memphis to Las Vegas just so he could punch Don Rickles in the mouth? Apparently Rickles called him an ugly name, and the King didn’t like it. It happened. He tipped me $100 and a TCB gold chain with the year engraved on the back  – 1972.

I remember when I was a kid my parents would always scold me for my grades. In seventh grade, I brought home a C in Literature, and my father, John David Thompson, Sr., made me go outside and till the whole garden myself  –  all the way until dark. He was tough, but it made me a better person. I will never forget that.

While I’m thinking about it, my daughter, Penny, is stealing from me. She took my wedding band! My wife Connie saved for months to get me that ring, and now Penny stole it. That’s okay though  – I know the truth about her husband. But she shouldn’t take my things!

It’s about to rain, and no one will put the mules up in the barn. I guess I have to do everything.

Before I finish, I would be remiss if I didn’t say something to my wife, Delores. You mean more to me than life itself, and you are my rock and the love of my life, and, no matter what happens, you will always have a special place in my heart.

Now please leave me alone before I crash this plane and kill us all.

Peace and love and peace,

John David Thompson, Sr.

An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List

1. Democrats

2. Republicans

3. Politicians

4. The Swamp

5. POWs

6. Disabled people

7. John McCain specifically 

8. Hispanics

9. African Americans

10. Any other brown people I forgot

11. Muslims

12. Refugees

13. Muslim refugees

14. Hillary

15. Women

16. Other Clintons

17. Gold Star parents

18. Protesters (female and/or black)

19. NFL players

20. NFL owners

21. NFL refs

22. John McCain again

23. Bob Corker (?)

24. Gold Star spouses

25. The troops

26. Children

27. Dolphins

28. Marshmallows

29. The flag

30. Fun

31. Game night!

32. Soup kitchens

33. Beaches

34. The Unknown Soldier

35. Charity

36. Kittens

37. Sparkles

38. Tom Hanks

39. Happiness

40. Those killed in action during WWII

With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt: With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills

Hey Errybody! LOL!

What’s up all my Facebook amigos? You doing good? You’re about to be doing better! I’m going to make this the best time of your life by offering you something that will make you forget every bad thing happening right now – even the life-threatening ones! How? I’m now a registered representative to sell all-natural diet pills, and I’m offering you a life-changing opportunity! These things are amazing. I’ve been on them for two weeks now, and I feel better than I’ve ever felt, and that includes any point as an adult, child, or baby! Plus, I’ve dropped six pounds! And it ain’t just water weight either! It’s legit!

Look, I know this isn’t the best time. With the white supremacy riots in Charlottesville, along with North Korean nuclear war threats, chaos in the White House, a mentally unstable president, numerous government leaks, shakeup after shakeup in government, Scaramucci, national division, racial division, generational division, ABC’s Bachelorette division, disappearing Social Security, crippling student debt, health insurance premium spikes, problems at the federal level in education, a dysfunctional Congress, the president’s tweeting habit, threats of non-nuclear military encounters with numerous other countries, the renewal of the war on drugs, the rise of a new generation of racists who believe the leader of the free world is speaking directly to them, you’re probably asking, “Why would I even worry about how big my butt is?” The real question is, “Why would you not?” My friend dropped two pants sizes in seven days! What could be better news than that? Who knows if white supremacy is making a comeback? Who’s to say if the Klan is really all that bad? How can anyone answer these questions definitively? What I do know is that you can have the body you want in eight weeks with no exercise!

Things are bad, I get it. But this is the thing that can turn it all around for you if you’re a white upper-middle-class person. You’ve got this in the bag. Do you feel guilty about how minorities are being treated in this country right now? You’ll feel better as a size 2, I bet. Do you wish there was something you could do to end systemic racism in the United States? There’s not, but you can for sure lose that belly in three weeks! So PM me for more details, like my page, and let’s get to work on the national state of emergency you can control – you!

Ask me about becoming a registered consultant!

Peace out y’all!

Lauren

My Valentine’s Day Memory of a Forbidden Love

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: My Valentine’s Day Memory of a Forbidden Love

It was Valentine’s Day of my nineteenth year. I had admired her from afar for most of my life. I had fantasized long enough. Now was the time to act. Having taken a year off from school to clear my head, I knew that next Valentine’s Day I would be away at college—away from her. This was my one opportunity to show her how I truly felt.

Her husband was away at work. His job took him a couple of towns over, and he never got home before 7:00 even on special days like anniversaries or birthdays or Valentine’s Day. As I approached the door, my heart raced. I began to sweat. This was the biggest moment of my life. I knocked. She answered. She could tell by my face why I was there. I could tell by her face she was glad.

“Do you know why I came here today?”

“I do. Please come in.”

I sat in the living room, and she disappeared to the back. When she returned, she was wearing a dress that I could tell she’d been saving for a special occasion that had never come. Her lips as red as I’d ever seen. Blush on her cheeks for what seemed like the first time. She approached me, and I could swear I felt the beating of her heart vibrating the floorboards underneath. She took my hand.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too.”

Now she was much more experienced than I was. She did have some years on me. Nevertheless, I trusted her, and she gently guided me. Her touch affected me in ways I can’t describe—ways I’d never imagined possible. There was love in her touch—caring. We spent the afternoon with each other. She taught me what it was to be a man. I taught her what it was to be appreciated as a woman.

As we lie on the floor, I began to speak, but she stopped me. I’d felt the need to say it. We could never speak of that moment, and it could never happen again. But we both already knew.

“Shhh…not now. Just a little longer.”

We both knew that was the first and last time we would ever be together, and we just wanted to enjoy what little time we had left, but the burden was heavy. We tried to pretend it wasn’t there, but it was.

And while we both knew it was wrong, in that moment, all we needed in the world was each other. I was all she needed. And, yes, in that moment, your mom was all that I needed.

A Rap/Hip-Hop Compilation Recorded for the Trump Inauguration

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: A Rap/Hip-Hop Compilation Recorded for the Trump Inauguration

Through some deep sources within President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team, we have uncovered a track list of rap/hip-hop songs re-recorded (“All tremendously legal,” we were assured) for Trump’s upcoming inauguration in January:

1. “F*ck Tha Police Because You Appreciate the Work They Do” – N.W.A.

2. “De-Regulate” – Warren G

3. “Flynn and Juice” – Snoop Dogg

4. “You’re Nobody, Tim Kaine” – Notorious B.I.G.

5. “We Love and Respect Deez Hoez More Than Anybody” – Outkast

6. “I See a Man Die Thanks to Obamacare” – Scarface

7. “Jesus Walks With The Donald” – Kanye West

8. “One Mic (Pence)” – Nas

9. “Many Muslim Men (Wish Death)” – 50 Cent

10. “Cop Hugga” – Ice-T

11. “Wealthy Entitled Celebrity Player’s Anthem” – Junior M.A.F.I.A

12. “Ain’t No Half Steppin’ Across Mexican the Border” – Big Daddy Kane

13. “Somebody in ISIS Gotta Die” – Notorious B.I.G.

14. “Til I Collapse Like Hillary Did” – Eminem

15. “Straight Outta Compton” – N.W.A. (feat. Mike Pence)

There are Plenty of Things We Can All Come Together to Hate

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: There are Plenty of Things We Can All Come Together to Hate

America is divided. The election is over, and people are fighting in the streets, at work, on social media, at home. Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama have all stepped forward to ask the American people to unite – to join together for the betterment of the country. The problem is that there is just so much hate and anger out there. It seems impossible at this point, so, to start small, we just need to find the things we can all hate together.

Matthew McConaughey as a Product Spokesperson

Just because you say it slowly doesn’t mean we’re going to buy everything, Matt. Learn from Ivanka with the dress and the bracelet. Subtlety and discernment is the name of the game, man.

Realizing You’re Martin Shkreli

That would be truly horrifying and something I hope never happens to you.

Dead People

They don’t have to deal with any of this – except the ones who voted in Chicago. They’re partially responsible for this, but that just means we get to hate them twice!

Talks of a Van Halen Comeback

We all know Van Halen was great back when they were together, but do you really think it’s going to happen, guys? Do you think David Lee Roth is suddenly going to be a team player?

Twitter Wars

Like we all have the time to sit and watch spoiled celebrities tweet insults back and forth at each other! (We secretly love this. Please continue. It takes our minds off of the really bad situations, like what’s happening right now.)

When the Hell’s Angels Killed Meredith Hunter at That Free Rolling Stones Concert in 1969

So tragic. On a side note, The Donald, please don’t hire the Hell’s Angels to beef up your security.

Bats

Those things are crazy! You never know what they’re going to do, and then, when you least expect it, one turns into Rudy Giuliani and begs to be Secretary of State!

When KFC Closes

Where am I supposed to get fried chicken now, huh? Kroger? Yeah right! No thank you. I will not settle! Man, now I know how the Bernie Bros. felt.

When Glenn Died

If you don’t know already, I won’t elaborate, but if you do know, then you really, really know.

That We Had to Endure an Election That Caused This Kind of Grief and Requires This Much Healing

Let’s do better in 2020, please.

 

When is it Appropriate to Respond with D-Generation X’s “Suck it” Move?

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: When is it Appropriate to Respond with D-Generation X’s “Suck it” Move?

Please answer YES or NO:

Is it appropriate to respond with D-Generation X’s “suck it” movewhen…

1. Your boss asks you to work late?
2. The Cracker Barrel store is out of moon pies?
3. Dora asks you to repeat something in Spanish?
4. Your grandmother asks you to help her get Christmas trees out of her attic?
5. Someone cuts you off in traffic?
6. Someone cuts you off in the lunch line?
7. Someone cuts you off in line for communion?
8. Your favorite contestant gets kicked off of Project Runway?
9. The UPS guy leaves a package on your porch?
10. Your dog greets you at the door?
11. The band decides to break up?
12. The band signs a record deal?
13. The band keeps playing frat parties?
14. You start a new business?
15. The hostess at TGI Friday’s says your table is ready?
16. You show up late for a funeral?
17. You meet George Clinton?
18. You finish reading Strength to Love by Martin Luther King, Jr.?
19. You successfully perform your own vasectomy?
20. D-Generation X tells you to “suck it”?
21. Someone pops your shoulder back into socket?
22. You are diagnosed with strep throat?
23. Timberlake retweets you?
24. Coffee’s ready?
25. Jumping off the diving board at a public pool?

Answer key: YES to all

10 More Claims Bill O’Reilly Has Made About Slaves

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: 10 More Claims Bill O’Reilly Has Made About Slaves

Last week, Bill O’Reilly made the news by attempting to clarify First Lady Michelle Obama’s comments about slaves building the White House by saying the slaves were “housed” and “well-fed.” This was not the first time O’Reilly spoke out on the topic of slavery, however. Here are some of his previous claims:

1. “Most slaves lived in lavish penthouse apartments a short walk from where they worked.”

2. “Upon abolition, every slave was promised a new pair of Air Jordans but few ever received them.”

3. “American slavery is a myth.”

4. “The American Civil War was actually fought because both the North and South found slavery deplorable but disagreed on how best to abolish it.”

5. “Male slaves were given top hats and monocles to make them feel fancy.”

6. “Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup is named after the famous slave Hattie Earlene Butterworth, who invented the maple tree.”

7. “By law, slaves were offered permanent freedom at the end of each work week.”

8. “The reason slaves sang so many spirituals was to lift the spirits of their masters, who felt really, really bad for owning slaves.”

9. “Slaves invented football.”

10. “My slaves are treated very well.”