Portrait of a True American

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Portrait of a True American.

I am an American man.

I live in a modest house with my modest wife and average children.

I work 60 hours a week at a job that brings me no satisfaction for the insurance.

I don’t care for funny things, but that Bill Engvall sure can sure tell a joke.

I type in all caps in my Facebook posts — even the ones about restaurants.

I am an American man.

Just give me a phone that makes calls. That’s all I need.

Lock her up!

I have enough wraparound sunglasses to get me by.

I live in the Midwest somewhere.

I am an American man.

My favorite channel is, of course, USA.

I own a dozen guns that I keep securely locked away in a closet with a babyproofing doorknob cover on it. Just try and take them.

You can take the man out of the country, but you can’t take the USA out of me.

I have a purebred mutt-dog named Patton. His name? Patton.

I am an American man.

I watch nothing but WWII documentaries, and the weather.

It didn’t take a village when I was growing up.

I call a lot of people libtards — a lot of people.

My cousin studied philosophy. You know what it got him? Turned gay.

I am an American Man.

You can quote your Shakespeare. As for me and my house, we’ll quote the Scriptures.

I can trace my lineage back as far as it matters — 1776.

My nickname is Little Burger. Burger was my daddy.

If you want this country, you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.

I am an American man.

Small-Town, Southern Douches

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here Small-Town, Southern Douches

Growing up in a small Southern town you see every variety of small-town douche imaginable. Here are the most common. Which one are you?

Old Money Douche

The Old Money Douche comes from a long line of money and influence. He usually begins to show his douchiness in Jr. High and blossoms into a fully entitled douche in early high school. You may find him on the baseball field, drunk and driving his super expensive car (with a special, super loud muffler) too fast through the middle of town on Friday or Saturday nights, or looking dapper at church on Sunday talking to all the little old Old Money Widows. Once grown, the Old Money Douche usually has a high-paying job stemming from an old family connection.

New Money Douche

This douche is no more than one generation into serious money. He usually stumbled upon some sort of opportunity with absolutely no intention or comes from a parent who worked tirelessly to provide a grand and glorious life for his family. Either way, the New Money Douche believes he is solely responsible for his current financial state. You may find him driving a Ford Raptor (that his parents bought him) and wearing tons of Under Armor attire.

The Won’t Be Ignored Douche

This guy is special. He has a low-paying, highly-sucking job. He struggles from month to month, but his son is just as good as those other kids. He just doesn’t have the name! The Won’t Be Ignored Douche knows that every time his child is reprimanded or doesn’t get to play, it’s because his family doesn’t have as much as everyone else, and he will let you know that loudly and adamantly. You’re no better than him, and he will belittle you and your family in any way necessary to remind you of that.

The Small-Town Politician Douche

You know what? This guy could be a State Representative if he wanted to. The Small Town Politician Douche sits as a City Councilman and doesn’t take any crap from the public. He will let you know quickly that he is in office to serve the people, and then vote against the .25% sales tax increase that would have increased the city schools’ budget by 30%. Don’t ask him why. Don’t question him. He graduated from Ole Miss in 1995 with a 3.6 GPA. He knows what he’s doing. He took a Political Science class with Dr. Garner.

Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn’t Know Anything About How British Royalty Works

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn’t Know Anything About How British Royalty Works

Duchess of Kensingtonshire

Countess Megz

Lindsey Buckingham

Queen Mother Sheer Dress

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince(ss)

Lady Nottingham of Phife

Her Majesty, Your Highness

Princess Diana

Annie Ortiz from the 2009 Reboot of Knight Rider

Op-ed: The Mainstream Media is Blaming Me for Ruining Terry and Joan’s Dinner Party

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Op-ed: The Mainstream Media is Blaming Me for Ruining Terry and Joan’s Dinner Party

You’ve probably seen reports in the lamestream media blaming me for ruining Terry and Joan’s dinner party. As usual, those reports are 100% false! That party was terrible from the start.

First, they are claiming that I got drunk and announced that Joan is pregnant before she could. Like we couldn’t tell! She didn’t drink all night which is out of character for Joan (as we all know!). Joan loves her cocktails as much as she loves her unborn child. Plus, she had that glow. So obvious!

Second, yeah, I broke the stupid clock, and, yeah, it was Terry’s great great grandmother’s, and, yeah, it’s the one he took on Antiques Roadshow, and, yeah, it turned out it was really valuable because it belonged to Woodrow Wilson, but Joan’s the one who put it on that wobbly table! We shouldn’t even still be talking about this. Besides, how did Terry’s great grandmother get Woodrow Wilson’s clock? WHAT DID SHE HAVE TO DO TO GET A PRESIDENT’S CLOCK?

Third, Black Lives Matter IS a terrorist organization, and Dean should have known better than to bring it up. I guess ISIS is cool too, right Dean? Sorry you couldn’t handle all the truth bombs I dropped in the white chocolate raspberry bread pudding!

Fourth, why aren’t they talking about Bethany’s chain emails? There’s no way they’re secure. No telling how many viruses she’s exposing us to, and she sends out so many! THOUSANDS! Besides, they’re so stupid. We know, Bethany, it’s a great day to smile. JUST STOP! You know who never talks about her emails? ISIS Dean!

Now, can we please get to the issues the people really care about? We should be talking about whose baby that is. I don’t think it’s Terry’s!

Anthony Scaramucci’s 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Anthony Scaramucci’s 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes

After Mooch’s Twitter poll about the Holocaust, we checked his Buzzfeed history. Here are his favorites.

Which Man From Anne Frank’s Diary Would You Go Home With?

Van Daan? Otto? Peter? After a night out, who would you go home with?

How Hitler are You?

Everybody’s a little Hitler. Find out how much Hitler you are.

Did the Holocaust Really Happen?

This quiz is one “Yes or No” question.

How Long Would You Survive in the Death Camps?

Find out how long you would survive based on how you respond to photographs of different landscapes.

Which Friends Character are You?

I bet you’re Joey, you idiot.