What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)!

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)!

Billy Joel

1973: A long-haired tough guy from the Bronx

2017: An angry, flesh-colored egg with a goatee


Matthew Perry

1994: Just a young guy with a butt-cut, a big shirt, a vest, and a smirk

2017: That guy who lives next door, alone, in the giant house and walks outside in a loose bathrobe to get his paper every morning


Amy Schumer

2007: A fresh-faced comic with ultra-curly hair, hardly any makeup, and barely visible eyebrows

2017: The same girl with people to help her get ready for things


Justin Timberlake

1998: A Q-tip

2017: A short Chandler Parsons


Michael J. Fox

1985: Classic Marty McFly

2017: Marty McFly in a slow, constant earthquake


Scarlett Johansson

1996: A Scarlett Johnsson-looking child

2017: OUT WITH COLIN JOST?


Cyndi Lauper

1983: A wild dresser topped with huge, bright red hair and filled with youthful vibrance

2017: The same but with pink hair and a touch of your mother


Heath Ledger

1998: The quintessential late-1990s happ-go-lucky Australianer

2017: You don’t want to know


Bono

1978: A lone-wolf

2017: An Andy Samberg character


Luke Perry

1990: A ruggedly handsome James Dean type

2017: A FREAKING 50-YEAR-OLD MAN!!!

Is It OK if I Wear My Overalls to Bible Study?

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: Is It OK if I Wear My Overalls to Bible Study?

I don’t want to be a nuisance, but I have a question: Is it OK if I wear my overalls to Bible study? I just didn’t know if it would be a problem. I know we’re talking about modesty, and, well, most would think overalls would fall right into that category. You may even think that I would be a prime example of modest dress in my overalls, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I am seductive in my overalls. These are the overalls I wore when I asked Mattie to prom, and you know how that went. She said “yes” abnormally quickly. It wasn’t natural, and it was all because of the overalls.

You see, they seem to hug all the right parts of me — or wrong parts for what we’re talking about with the Bible study and all. I just don’t want to be a distraction in my overalls. I want the people (ladies) there to get everything they can out of the Bible study, but I’m afraid they’ll just be thinking about me and my overalls.

Before you ask, yes, I am planning on wearing a shirt under my overalls. What do you think, I’ve got a death wish or something? The ladies may not be able to focus if I’m in my overalls with a shirt on. If shirtless, you could just kiss the whole night goodbye! The part of the Fruit of the Spirit known as self-control would be gone. There would be no sense even reading Galatians 5 because it would be too late. Everyone would just be reacting carnally and impulsively to my overalls with no shirt under them, so I’m definitely wearing a shirt. Don’t worry.

But the question remains: Do you think my overalls will be appropriate for the Bible study? Keep in mind that lust is a sin when answering please. I don’t want to be cut or plucked out of some dear soul’s life because I wore my overalls to Bible study and caused that person to stumble. That is not my intention. Relationships are very important, but sometimes my overalls make real, platonic relationships very difficult — impossible even.

Just let me know what you think about the overalls question, so I can wash some pants if I need to.

Thanks.

I’m a Real Marketing Person, and I Can Prove it With These Creative Names I’ve Given Everyday Items

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: I’m a Real Marketing Person, and I Can Prove it With These Creative Names I’ve Given Everyday Items

  1. Cigarettes: Sexy Smoke Sticks
  2. Sofa: Loungeus Maximus
  3. Vacuum Cleaner: Dirt-Goes-Away
  4. Television: Color Moving Picture Box
  5. Light Bulb: ’Lumination Orb
  6. Parking Garage: Car Motel
  7. Whiskey: Tipsy Brown
  8. Grass: Yard Carpet
  9. Helmet: Head Protector Extraordinaire
  10. Surgery: Luxury Body Slicing
  11. Popsicle: Cold Solid Juice
  12. Fire Extinguisher: Foamy White Dispenser
  13. Chair: Human Holder
  14. Coffee Table: Li’l Surface
  15. Trash Can: Paper Hole
  16. Coffee: Wakey Sip-Sip
  17. Wheel: Roll-About
  18. Log: Tree Torso
  19. Bear: Cute ’n’ Deadly
  20. Gloves: Hand Coats

12 Country Songs Memorializing Made-Up Tragedies

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: 12 Country Songs Memorializing Made-Up Tragedies

  1. The Day the Corvettes Cried by Luke Bryan — the Bowling Green Massacre
  2. Hergin Flergin in the Bergin by Kelly Pickler (feat. the Swedish Chef) — the Swedish Terror Attack
  3. Burn It to the Ground by Toby Keith — the Existence of Chicago as a U.S. City
  4. One Less Portland by Kenny Chesney — the Mysterious Disappearance of Portland, Maine
  5. Bourne in Our Hearts by Martina McBride — Matt Damon’s Helicopter Crash, Multiple Surgeries, Coma, and Death
  6. Suburban Ohio Sunset by Alan Jackson — the Akron Children’s Place Sniper
  7. Hot Dog by Eddie Arnold — the Death of the Original Lassie by Lightning Strike
  8. Franky Took Franky by Rascal Flatts — Franklin Graham’s Conversion to Catholicism
  9. Never Fly Back Again by Pam Tillis — Jessica’s Bangs of 1998
  10. Patriot Pants by John Conlee — the Death of Apollo Creed
  11. Remember the Alamocha by Colin Ray — Davy Crockett’s Failed Coffee Shop
  12. Blowhole by Big & Rich — the Seattle Suicide Bomber Inside the Great Seattle Sinkhole

You Guys are Doing a Great Job!

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: You Guys are Doing a Great Job!

In light of the recent tensions among Americans from all walks of life, we, the Holy Trinity, one God in three parts, want to let you all know where we stand on the matter. There are those on both sides who keep invoking the Bible—or, worse yet, Us by name—and frankly we’re tired of it, so we’re taking this opportunity to let everyone know we’re behind you, conservative American Christians, 100%.

Jehovah, God, the Father Almighty

Hey, guys. Hope everything’s going well. I just want to start by saying that I am so proud of you. You’ve finally done it! You got my candidate in office, and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. I was honestly beginning to wonder if you’d ever figure it out. I kept giving you people, and you kept questioning them: “But Romney’s Mormon!” “But Palin is annoying and got shut down by Katie Couric, and McCain is old!” “But Clinton’s so much cooler than Bush. How can we compete with that?!” Finally I just sent out the most in-your-face guy I could think of, hoping you’d be like, “Screw it. We’re just doing this.” And it worked even better than I thought it would… and I’m omniscient!

And he’s doing great, isn’t he? He’s my kind of guy. I mean, I did write a whole book in the Old Testament about building a wall. Now, don’t squander this. Also, you guys have been so great I even hooked you up with a Patriots comeback! I know you’re not all Patriots fans, but I couldn’t let that team from Atlanta win. Have you ever been there? That city is filthy and dangerous. (If you don’t know exactly what I mean by that, DM me. I can’t elaborate in public.)

Jesus Christ, the Son of Man

Dudes! This is going so well. You probably won’t believe this, but some of the angels were actually betting that you’d chicken out and go Kasich or something — or even stand up to Trump once he took office. I had faith in you, though. Look, I spent my life on earth surrounded by poor, hurting people, so I get it: They’re exhausting. Those Gospels made it look like I did that on purpose (idiot Matthew!), but the fact is the Pharisees wouldn’t give me the time of day after I accidentally read that passage from Isaiah in the Synagogue that one time. This is what I wanted all along. Poor people, for the most part, suck. They’re always asking for things: “Feed me.” “Heal me.” “Raise my dead son!” Speaking of healing and junk, I can’t tell you how angry I was with Obamacare! After all, that guy is the Anti-Me, but that’s all over now thanks to you, my people.

Plus, now you’ve got that refugee/immigration ban happening. This is perfect. (Don’t worry. We’re working on that federal judge for you. Just keep on keeping on, and we’ll handle him.) The only thing worse than poor people is more poor people who can’t speak English. Keep it up, guys. And remember who’s # 1!

Holy Spirit (a/k/a Holy G)

First, let me say that I realize some of you don’t know me very well, but I know you. I also know some of you don’t believe I do very much. Well, guess what: I really do! In fact, if it weren’t for me, you never would have figured out how important the abortion issue is! I told the other guys we needed to include something — anything — in the Scriptures to let you guys know that it trumps (get it?) everything else, but they wouldn’t go for it, so I took matters into my own hands. Despite the fact that the Bible says absolutely nothing — not. one. thing. — about abortion, I showed you guys that it’s worth ignoring the most obvious, fundamental Christian principles for.

It’s like The Father always says: “The means justifies the ends.” And He’s exactly right. Rahab lied that one time to protect her family. See? Proof! I knew you would get it with a little prodding, but now you have to stay strong. There are a lot of things coming out that don’t look great. Just remember, it was all worth it to get Roe v. Wade overturned, and I’m there with you for that sole purpose.

In Conclusion…

Keep it up, everybody. You make us proud!

Good Luck and Us Bless,

The Holy Trinity

You’re Invited to Rhonda’s Bereavement Party!

This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: You’re Invited to Rhonda’s Bereavement Party!

Hey, Girls!

As you all know, Rhonda’s husband Gary passed away yesterday after a long, hard-fought battle with pancreatic cancer, so we’re putting together a little girls’ night on Friday. This is Rhonda’s first night of freedom, so get ready to get turnt!

Here’s how it’s going down:

5:30 PM

Rhonda’s had a tough time, so we’ll start off kinda slow. We’ll meet at her house for a period of comforting silence. We’ll hug and cry. We’ll take as much time as Rhonda needs. Then we’re heading to the Embassy Suites for free cocktails at 5:45!

7:30 PM

After the Embassy Suites, we’ll get some fresh air (we’ll need it!) and walk down to Shooters just like when we were in college — before people died. They’ve still got the best mojitos in town. Trust me. We’ll feel out the situation, but I’m thinking three hours should do it!

10:30 PM

I’ve reserved us a party bike for two hours from Spin-N-Tonic with an “In Loving Memory of Gary Huggins 1972–2017” banner on the back. Melanie’s bringing a tiara, and Charla’s made a sash that says “widow” in gold glitter!We get to select our own music, so be thinking about what you want to hear. I’ve got dibs on I’m So Fancy and Worth It, so back off. Those are my JAMS!

Also, I put in a request for Derek. He’s the best.

12:30 AM

We’ll take an Uber down to Riverside Park for a time of prayer and reflection — remembering what the night is truly for. I need someone to bring an unlit candle if you’ve got one. If not, no biggie.

12:45 AM

There’s a bubble party in the street outside Club 85904! And up in all those bubbles, I imagine somebody’ll be getting a little handsy in a public place with some strange men (hint: me)!

3:00 AM

After we change clothes, we’ll head to Rachel and Na-Na’s Discotech (where Sears used to be). Our mission will be to find Rhonda some male accompaniment for our time there! Just because she’s grieving doesn’t mean she can’t have a little fun, if you know what I mean! And trust me, there will be plenty of dudes to choose from. There always are, and 3–4 AM is the optimum time. There may be a line, so I’ll have some berry vodka in my purse, and Jackie is bringing a portable speaker so we can listen to You Raise Me Upand Wind Beneath My Wings if we have to wait.

6:00 AM

We’ll go back to Rhonda’s place to get a little rest. She’s cool with it, she said. And Gary’s hospital bed is still there, so we should all have a place to sleep.Those things are roo-my!

10:00 AM

We are celebrating Gary’s life at 11:00 at Christ Presbyterian Church, but we’ll need to get there early to set up for the flash mob. Hope you’ve all been working on your Whip and Nae Nae. It’ll be so funny! Rhonda will freak! It’s what Gary would have wanted.

IMPORTANT REMINDER

Remember, for gifts Rhonda is registered at Flowers by Alison, Marshall-Hilburn Funeral Home, and Target.

Also, everyone bring $40 to reimburse me for the mantle clock urn.

See y’all then!

Deborah