This piece appeared in The Daily Memphian here: Lines That Should Land Me a Job on "Bluff City Law". The premier of NBC’s "Bluff City Law," a courtroom drama set and filmed in Memphis, has brought an energy with it to the city. There is a certain excitement and pride that comes with living, working … Continue reading Lines That Should Land Me a Job on “Bluff City Law”
This piece originally appeared at Slackjaw on Medium here: I am the Suburban Woman Who Ordered on the Starbucks App, and You are All Beneath Me! Fools in the Starbucks line hear me! See me! Remember this face, for it is the face of efficiency. It is the face of planning — of thinking ahead. … Continue reading I am the Suburban Woman Who Ordered on the Starbucks App, and You are All Beneath Me!
This piece originally appeared in The Weekly Humorist here: The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola) Pepsi greatly increases the risk of obesity in teens Wilkins, Derrick. Pepsi and Weight Gain During Adolescence. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company. High levels of Pepsi intake in children leads to a 61% greater chance of diabetes … Continue reading The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)
This piece was co-written with Erik Sternberger and originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: My Signed Book Collection Recently President Donald J. Trump has come under ridicule for signing Bibles after the fatal tornadoes in Alabama. “Why did people have him sign Bibles?”, “Have those idiots ever actually read the Bible if they think Trump … Continue reading My Signed Book Collection
This piece first appeared on Points in Case here: A Guide to Determining Whether You Should Take Your Child to the Emergency Room Every parent knows the difficulties and health concerns that arise raising children. There are high fevers, mystery viruses, vomiting, breaks, sprains, tears, concussions. There are all kinds of things that can harm a … Continue reading A Guide to Determining Whether You Should Take Your Child to the Emergency Room
This piece originally appeared in Slackjaw on Medium here: Valentine's Day Alternatives for Singles Galentine’s Get together with the girls, pop open a bottle of wine, and spend the evening talking about work, love, and life. Palentine’s Hang out with the boys, get good and drunk, and say things like, “You know? We’re friends. You know … Continue reading Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Singles
This piece originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez The following represents all of the GOP-approved activities relating to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. In light of the recent dancing video, please take time to review this list. Responding with a simple “Hello.” when spoken to Making coffee Bringing coffee … Continue reading Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: 10 Actors Who Became Famous for Roles That Don Knotts Turned Down Roger Moore – James Bond, Live and Let Die (1973) John Travolta – Danny Zuko, Grease (1978) Alan Rickman – Hans Gruber, Die Hard (1988) Ralph Fiennes – Amon Göth, Schindler’s List (1993) Ewan McGregor – Mark Renton, Trainspotting (1996) Mark Wahlberg – Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights (1997) … Continue reading 10 Actors Who Became Famous for Roles That Don Knotts Turned Down
This piece was co-written with Erik Sternberger originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: Letters Smuggled Out from the Front Lines of Amazon's Never-Ending Holiday Sale My Darling Megan, I fear there is no end in sight to this year’s holiday season. The punch clock tells me it is the 26th of November, but I … Continue reading Letters Smuggled Out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale
This piece originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: What to Watch for at Billy Beckham's Long-Awaited Funeral Service After seventy-two years of waiting, the funeral service of William C. (Billy) Beckham, the retired air conditioner repairman and Home Depot paint department attendant from Paragould, Arkansas is finally here, and it looks like it will … Continue reading What to Watch for at Billy Beckham’s Long-Awaited Funeral Service
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: All the New Reasons Why Members of the Press Can be Banned from the White House Historically low approval ratings Using children’s insurance as a bargaining chip Using racism advantageously A cameo in Home Alone 2 Multiple bankruptcies Not draining the swamp at all Actually making the swamp … Continue reading All the New Reasons Why Members of the Press Can be Banned from the White House
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here:The 15 Best Nicknames in NFL History That Were Inspired by Sylvia Plath Dan “The Bell Jar” Schonhoff – Wide receiver, New York Giants Barry “Rabbit’s Cry” Anderson – Middle linebacker, New England Patriots Frank “Puny, Green, and Tart” Szydlowski – Punter, Cleveland Browns Louis “Oval Soul-Animals” Cramer – Cornerback, Pittsburgh Steelers … Continue reading The 15 Best Nicknames in NFL History That Were Inspired by Sylvia Plath
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: In Memoriam: Those We've Lost to Make Paul Manafort's Belongings. Over the years, we have lost many great creatures to Paul Manafort’s desire for lavish clothing and other exotic belongings. Here, we remember those who are no longer with us: Tony (Python) – Jacket Al (Alligator) – Luggage … Continue reading In Memoriam: Those We’ve Lost to Make Paul Manafort’s Belongings
This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Portrait of a True American. I am an American man. I live in a modest house with my modest wife and average children. I work 60 hours a week at a job that brings me no satisfaction for the insurance. I don’t care for funny things, but that Bill … Continue reading Portrait of a True American
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: Let's Make This Go Viral: A Man With Dementia Writes a Touching Letter to His Family As I sit here on my sofa near the end of a life that was full and good, reflecting, I can’t help but think of the twists and turns I have taken … Continue reading Let’s Make This Go Viral: A Man With Dementia Writes a Touching Letter to His Family
This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here Small-Town, Southern Douches Growing up in a small Southern town you see every variety of small-town douche imaginable. Here are the most common. Which one are you? Old Money Douche The Old Money Douche comes from a long line of money and influence. He usually begins to show his … Continue reading Small-Town, Southern Douches
This piece originally appeared in the Memphis, TN Commerical Appeal and online here: Dispatches from a Memphis Snow Bunker Friday: We knew it was going to happen. We just didn’t know when. My family and I had been watching the weather for days, but we still couldn’t nail down exactly when the snow would come. 3 … Continue reading Dispatches from a Memphis Snow Bunker
This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn't Know Anything About How British Royalty Works Duchess of Kensingtonshire Countess Megz Lindsey Buckingham Queen Mother Sheer Dress The Artist Formerly Known as Prince(ss) Lady Nottingham of Phife Her Majesty, Your Highness Princess Diana Annie Ortiz from the … Continue reading Possible Royal Titles for Meghan Markle from Someone Who Doesn’t Know Anything About How British Royalty Works
This piece originally appeared in the Memphis, TN Commercial Appeal here: Don't Fret Holiday Chit-Chat; Just Find a Narcissist Now that we are in the middle of the holiday season, you are no doubt going to be around a lot of family. Inevitably, you will encounter at least one narcissist. There have been countless advice … Continue reading Don’t Fret Holiday Chit-Chat; Just Find a Narcissist
This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)! Billy Joel 1973: A long-haired tough guy from the Bronx 2017: An angry, flesh-colored egg with a goatee Matthew Perry 1994: Just a young guy with a butt-cut, a big shirt, a vest, and a smirk 2017: … Continue reading What Your Favorite Celebrities Look Like Now (No Pictures)!
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: An Updated Look at Trump's Leaked "To Oppose" List 1. Democrats 2. Republicans 3. Politicians 4. The Swamp 5. POWs 6. Disabled people 7. John McCain specifically 8. Hispanics 9. African Americans 10. Any other brown people I forgot 11. Muslims 12. Refugees 13. Muslim refugees 14. … Continue reading An Updated Look at Trump’s Leaked “To Oppose” List
This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Op-ed: The Mainstream Media is Blaming Me for Ruining Terry and Joan's Dinner Party You’ve probably seen reports in the lamestream media blaming me for ruining Terry and Joan’s dinner party. As usual, those reports are 100% false! That party was terrible from the start. First, they are … Continue reading Op-ed: The Mainstream Media is Blaming Me for Ruining Terry and Joan’s Dinner Party
This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Anthony Scaramucci's 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes After Mooch’s Twitter poll about the Holocaust, we checked his Buzzfeed history. Here are his favorites. Which Man From Anne Frank’s Diary Would You Go Home With? Van Daan? Otto? Peter? After a night out, who would you go home with? How … Continue reading Anthony Scaramucci’s 5 Favorite Buzzfeed Quizzes
This piece originally appeared on Slackjaw here: Advice for My Son on Becoming a Man Always stand when a lady enters a room, and never sit back down. “Like” everything you can on Facebook. There may come a time when you can’t. Don’t blink. Ever. Linus didn’t need that blanket. Always take your phone in the … Continue reading Advice for My Son on Becoming a Man
This piece originally appeared on Slackjaw here: These 12 Words Will Seem Dirty When You Read Them From Now On Squint Pump Thwart Bunt Gimp Cusp Jinx Squat Qualm Fist Beef Jazz
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt: With Everything That's Happening Right Now, I'd Like to Announce I'm Selling Diet Pills Hey Errybody! LOL! What’s up all my Facebook amigos? You doing good? You’re about to be doing better! I’m going to make this the best time of your life by offering you something that … Continue reading With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills
This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: Is It OK if I Wear My Overalls to Bible Study? I don’t want to be a nuisance, but I have a question: Is it OK if I wear my overalls to Bible study? I just didn’t know if it would be a problem. I know we’re … Continue reading Is It OK if I Wear My Overalls to Bible Study?
This piece originally appeared on Second City Network here: An Op-Ed by Tony Romo: I Look Forward to the Many Injuries Awaiting Me as a Broadcaster For the past fourteen NFL seasons, I have been blessed to go to work every day doing what I love—hurting myself for America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys. While it’s … Continue reading An Op-Ed By Tony Romo: I Look Forward To The Many Injuries Awaiting Me As A Broadcaster
This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: I'm a Real Marketing Person, and I Can Prove it With These Creative Names I've Given Everyday Items Cigarettes: Sexy Smoke Sticks Sofa: Loungeus Maximus Vacuum Cleaner: Dirt-Goes-Away Television: Color Moving Picture Box Light Bulb: ’Lumination Orb Parking Garage: Car Motel Whiskey: Tipsy Brown Grass: Yard Carpet Helmet: Head Protector Extraordinaire Surgery: Luxury Body Slicing Popsicle: Cold … Continue reading I’m a Real Marketing Person, and I Can Prove it With These Creative Names I’ve Given Everyday Items
This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: Real Band or Just Letters? XTC INXS BLNKSPCE KRZYBTT MGMT MDGT FLRP PWR BTTM FRT BLSSM JPNSGRLS DWNTWN FNKYTWN BRSTMLKD GDCMPLX NOFX MSTRKRFT ELO CRPFCTRY LMFAO BBYSQRTS Answers Real Band: 1, 2, 5, 8, 10, 11, 15, 16, 17, 19 Just Letters: 3, 4, 6, 7, 9, 12, … Continue reading Quiz: Real Band or Just Letters?
This piece originally appeared at Second City Network and Huffington Post Comedy: The Second City Network, The Huffington Post Comedy Dear Reader, It has been some time since we have officially updated our list of Disney offenses. Recently, the controversial children’s entertainment company announced that its first openly homosexual character will appear in the new live-action telling … Continue reading The American Family Association’s Updated List of Unforgivable Disney Offenses
This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: 12 Country Songs Memorializing Made-Up Tragedies The Day the Corvettes Cried by Luke Bryan — the Bowling Green Massacre Hergin Flergin in the Bergin by Kelly Pickler (feat. the Swedish Chef) — the Swedish Terror Attack Burn It to the Ground by Toby Keith — the Existence of Chicago as a U.S. City One Less … Continue reading 12 Country Songs Memorializing Made-Up Tragedies
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: My Valentine's Day Memory of a Forbidden Love It was Valentine’s Day of my nineteenth year. I had admired her from afar for most of my life. I had fantasized long enough. Now was the time to act. Having taken a year off from school to clear my … Continue reading My Valentine’s Day Memory of a Forbidden Love
This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: You Guys are Doing a Great Job! In light of the recent tensions among Americans from all walks of life, we, the Holy Trinity, one God in three parts, want to let you all know where we stand on the matter. There are those on both … Continue reading You Guys are Doing a Great Job!
This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: You're Invited to Rhonda's Bereavement Party! Hey, Girls! As you all know, Rhonda’s husband Gary passed away yesterday after a long, hard-fought battle with pancreatic cancer, so we’re putting together a little girls’ night on Friday. This is Rhonda’s first night of freedom, so get ready … Continue reading You’re Invited to Rhonda’s Bereavement Party!
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: A Rap/Hip-Hop Compilation Recorded for the Trump Inauguration Through some deep sources within President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team, we have uncovered a track list of rap/hip-hop songs re-recorded (“All tremendously legal,” we were assured) for Trump’s upcoming inauguration in January: 1. “F*ck Tha Police Because You Appreciate … Continue reading A Rap/Hip-Hop Compilation Recorded for the Trump Inauguration
This piece originally appeared on Second City Network here: An Op-Ed by Parson Brown: The Constant Comparison to a Snowman is Really Hurtful I’ll never forget the day I walked up on those kids condescendingly calling that snowman by my name. I’d just left from giving the eulogy at a funeral for a young father … Continue reading An Op-Ed by Parson Brown: The Constant Comparison to a Snowman is Really Hurtful
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: There are Plenty of Things We Can All Come Together to Hate America is divided. The election is over, and people are fighting in the streets, at work, on social media, at home. Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama have all stepped forward to ask the American … Continue reading There are Plenty of Things We Can All Come Together to Hate
This piece originally appeared on Second City Netowork and Redeye Chicago: Second City Network, Redeye Chicago It’s almost over, everyone. Stay safe—and sane— out there by following a few simple guidelines. Don’t make eye contact. If you look at the wrong person, he or she may bring up politics before you can stop it. Just don’t look … Continue reading How to Maintain Your Sanity for the Last Few Days of This Election
This piece originally appeared on The Establishment here: MFM: White Evangelicals Seeking New Messiah Hey, y’all! White Evangelicals here. You know, Jerry Fallwell, Jr. types. We’re new to this whole dating thing, but ready to meet someone! We just got out of a long-term relationship that honestly was over years ago — we had lost interest in Him, … Continue reading MFM: White Evangelicals Seeking New Messiah
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: When is it Appropriate to Respond with D-Generation X's "Suck it" Move? Please answer YES or NO: Is it appropriate to respond with D-Generation X’s “suck it” movewhen… 1. Your boss asks you to work late? 2. The Cracker Barrel store is out of moon pies? 3. Dora … Continue reading When is it Appropriate to Respond with D-Generation X’s “Suck it” Move?
This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt here: 10 More Claims Bill O'Reilly Has Made About Slaves Last week, Bill O’Reilly made the news by attempting to clarify First Lady Michelle Obama’s comments about slaves building the White House by saying the slaves were “housed” and “well-fed.” This was not the first time O’Reilly spoke out … Continue reading 10 More Claims Bill O’Reilly Has Made About Slaves