The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)

This piece originally appeared in The Weekly Humorist here: The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)

Pepsi greatly increases the risk of obesity in teens

Wilkins, Derrick. Pepsi and Weight Gain During Adolescence. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

High levels of Pepsi intake in children leads to a 61% greater chance of diabetes in adulthood

Turner, Lawrence and Noah Thayer. Causes Diabetes that Involve Pepsi. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

Pepsi contains three times more cancer-causing ingredients than other sodas

Jernigan, Nathaniel. Cancer-Causing Soft Drinks that are Pepsi. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

Moderate Pepsi consumption leads to Early Onset Dementia

Craig, Virginia. Pepsi and Fatal, Incurable Brain Diseases. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

Pepsi causes fatal levels of diarrhea in mice

Clark, James R. and Teresa Nicholas. Pepsi’s Effects on the Bowel Movements of Mice.Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

If we do not eliminate Pepsi within the next decade the earth will become uninhabitable by 2035

Fontaine, Jeffrey, Brian Neenan, and Lisa Holloway. The Environment vs. Pepsi: the Fight for Our Lives. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

Most regular Pepsi drinkers felt nothing at the beginning of Up!

Baldwin, Reginald. Does Pepsi Cause Sociopathy? Yes. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

Teens who prefer Pepsi are unpopular, bad at sports, and will marry ugly people

George, Douglas and Glenn Davis. Slowed Social and Physical Development Due Directly to Pepsi Consumption. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

88% of Pepsi drinkers cannot tell time

Kruykshenk, Margaret. Pepsi and Cognitive Information Processing. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

Pepsi supported the South African Apartheid and never officially reversed their position

Franklin, Johanna. Oppressive Governments and Their Friendly Relationships with Pepsi. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

Pepsi was the official soda of the Ku Klux Klan from its inception

Little, Gregory. The Historical Impact of Pepsi on People of Color in America: 1845-1905.Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

The religious leaders of the day celebrated with Pepsi when Jesus was crucified

Buchanan, Lewis. Pepsi in the Time of Christ. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.