My Signed Book Collection

This piece was co-written with Erik Sternberger and originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: My Signed Book Collection

Recently President Donald J. Trump has come under ridicule for signing Bibles after the fatal tornadoes in Alabama. “Why did people have him sign Bibles?”, “Have those idiots ever actually read the Bible if they think Trump should sign it?”, and “Holy shit, did he sign the cover?” were all things self-described “smart people” asked. Well, I was one of those so-called idiots, and I’ll have you know I’m no moron. I have a whole bunch of books, and this isn’t even my first signed copy! I bet you feel like the dummy now. In fact, let me read you just a few of the book covers that I have signed!


Medea by Euripides, translated by Rex Warner

Signed by Tyler Perry outside the nightclub Tongue & Groove in Atlanta following a live, sold-out performance of the hilarious Madea’s Class Reunion in 2003. He seemed surprised that Rex Warner misspelled the title character’s name in his translation, but he graciously signed anyway.


Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Signed by Guy Fieri at a Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives episode taping at the Heavenly Hog Food Truck in Biloxi that I followed for a year after my own divorce.


Clarissa by Samuel Richardson

Signed by Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence after waiting nearly 25 minutes in line at a 2011 fan event for one of the greatest family sitcoms of all time, Melissa & Joey. I was just after Melissa’s, but Joey looked sad as I started to walk away, so I let him sign too.


Walt Disney’s Uncle Remus Stories by Joel Chandler Harris, adapted by Marion Palmer

Signed by Jeff Sessions. He was handing out autographed copies to all of the patrons of a local Waffle House with a homemade tar baby saying it was “his favorite good-time tale.”


David Copperfield by Charles Dickens

Signed by The Amazing Johnathan at a Magic Convention in Las Vegas in 2005. The line for the real-life David Copperfield was super long, and I was getting hungry.


Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave by Frederick Douglass

Signed by Ben Carson. In 2017 after President Trump had implied Frederick Douglass was alive, I started carrying this around hoping for a signed copy. Due to a double miscommunication, I thought Ben Carson was Frederick Douglass and he thought he was signing a receipt for the return of his luggage.


The Divine Comedy by Dante, translated by Laurence Binyon in terza rima and John D. Sinclair in prose

Signed by comedy legend Carlos Mencia in 2008 after a set at Zanies in Nashville. He even signed it with one of best jokes, “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.” Classic Mencia, right!


The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer

Signed by THE Cadbury Bunny. In 2012 at the Easter Kickoff at Publix. I had to wait in line for two-hours behind an annoying family of six, but I talked Publix employees into waiving the age restriction and also got my picture taken while sitting on his lap.


Becoming by Michelle Obama Melania Trump

Signed by Melania Trump. Bought this one off of Trump2020.com.