Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Singles

This piece originally appeared in Slackjaw on Medium here: Valentine’s Day Alternatives for Singles

Galentine’s

Get together with the girls, pop open a bottle of wine, and spend the evening talking about work, love, and life.

Palentine’s

Hang out with the boys, get good and drunk, and say things like, “You know? We’re friends. You know that? You’re my best friend.” Then pass out somewhere.

Fallontine’s

Play a game where you slap Katie Holmes in the head with a giant hand to show the world she’s “just like us.”

Malentine’s

Watch Maleficent alone and take comfort in the fact that it is possible to find happiness after being scorned.

Talontine’s

Watch videos of hawks, eagles, and other large-taloned birds.

Busy Phillintine’s

Be a guest on Busy Tonight only on the E! Network.

Evangelentine’s

Get together with like-minded church people and discuss the benefits of a Trump presidency and the horrors of same-sex marriage, abortion, illegal immigrants, Planned Parenthood, Disney, the media, taking God out of schools, Black Lives Matter, and Rob Bell.

John Sallentine’s

Spend the evening drinking margaritas with John Salley of the Bad Boy Detroit Pistons.

Bob Dylantine’s

Wear an old hat, play a harmonica, and mumble all night long.

Tablettine’s

Find a municipal building somewhere threatening to remove their 10 Commandments monument and chain yourself to it in protest.

Crystal Gaylentinte’s

Start growing your hair out to be ready for next Crystal Gaylentine’s.