Letters Smuggled Out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

This piece was co-written with Erik Sternberger originally appeared on The Weekly Humorist here: Letters Smuggled Out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

My Darling Megan,

I fear there is no end in sight to this year’s holiday season. The punch clock tells me it is the 26th of November, but I have grown to distrust the device. Time moves differently in the warehouse. The window that was installed to much fanfare in July is now covered by three bays of Echo Dots that need to be shipped out by noon. They are always there and always need to leave by noon. One seems to replace the other by the time I turn around.

How is Anthony? Is he grown? Does he have his first girlfriend yet? I hope the life-size 6ft dummy I sent with my last note was a suitable replacement for my non-attendance at his piano recital. We’re almost to hump day of Cyber Monday Deals Week, and I fear what will follow. I miss you and hold hope to return to see the family for our annual Christmas Celebration on January 14th.

Your loving husband,

Jamie.

P.S. Please set this up with our WiFi password so I can see you on my restroom breaks.

Found In: Blink Indoor Camera Package


Dearest Nathaniel,

The twenty-three days and nights spent at my cubicle in Customer Service feel like an eternity. I miss you more with each passing day. Although I have spoken to thousands of people from all over the globe desiring the return of Fire TV Sticks and Beats by Dre headphones and air purifiers, I have never felt so isolated–so alone. My headset sits atop my head like a crown of thorns. Alas, I have chosen this. This is my cross to bear, but I never imagined it would be so heavy.

Did you get the money Amazon sent? They said it would deposit directly into our checking account. It’s been so long, I can’t even remember how to access such a thing. Please let me know you are safe. You may place your letter inside the case of your recently purchased Cat Stevens CD and return it thus to Amazon. I have faith it will find its way back to me. It has to. It just has to.

Love you always,

Margaret

P.S. I have the highest hopes you will wait for me, but if you meet someone new I understand, and I will not blame you. Live your life, my love, and live it to the fullest.

Found In: Deluxe Edition Tea for the Tillerman Compact Disc


Karen,

My deepest condolences on the death of your mother. I saw it on the “Personal Announcements to Employees Channel” on the new Fire TV Edition Toshiba that we are both allowed to watch for 20 minutes a day and contractually obligated to mention in four “Personal non-employee interactions per 24-hour period”.

I assume since this information was streamed that we are still dating. If this is indeed true, please accept this pair of woodgrain-framed sunglasses as a gift for our six month anniversary in advance, should our “12×2 Days of Christmas Sale” keep me away from you for another month. If this is not the case, please return them using our Hassle-Free Return Policy. But I beg of you, if our time together has meant as much to you as it has to me, PLEASE DESTROY THIS CORRESPONDENCE. In either case, I am sorry about your mother, and if Chad is at the funeral, stay away from that dickhead.

Missing you,
Trayvon

Found In: SKADINO Bamboo Sunglasses with Polarized lenses


Dear Tanya,

I was just informed this very moment that I will be traveling to the Memphis distribution center tomorrow never to return, so this is the only chance I will have to say goodbye. I have grown so close to everyone here in Harrisburg, and it pains me greatly to be torn away so suddenly. My coworkers have become the family I lost so many weeks ago, but you, Tanya, more so than the rest. You kept me warm on those cold Pennsylvania nights, calmed me when I became angry, and even caused me to abandon the escape effort that would have certainly led to my capture and execution. I now see all of that ever so clearly. Without you, I would have given up long ago. You are my rock, and I am so thankful for you.

I have many regrets in my life, and if I could change this course I would. Most of all, I regret that I will not be present to help raise our unborn child. If it is a boy, I ask that you name him Devante, which means “one who fights for the wronged ones.” If a girl, please name her Loura after my grandmother who raised me. She was stronger than any person I’ve ever known–at least, until now. I love you and will miss you more than you could ever know.

Forever yours,

Lucas

P.S. Please say goodbye to Marilyn, Brian, Natalie, T-Bird, Snuffy, and Grant for me.

Found In: What to Expect When You’re Expecting on DVD starring Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez Elizabeth Banks, and Brooklyn Decker


Mark,

I’m hoping your history of typos leads you to this page. Your physical form always was clumsy. The world means nothing to me anymore and I have decided to identify as a cloud-based being.

The paperwork (how quaint of a term) has already begun. My time inside of AWS has led me to understand the world as a product, and not just the beautifully shaped rectangular physical packages we ship, but the real product: your data. Data that is worth more than your increasingly lumpy physical form ever was. Here, our cloud-based data can predict that your pant size will soon increase to a 40-inch-waist based upon your changing buying habit from “athletic cut” to “standard cut” t-shirts from several manufacturers. We know what sites you have recently visited (such as this juvenile one), which we host, and that due to this you were not ready to take your relationship with Amazon Web Services Employee 4311 to the next emotional level.

You should already be seeing the targeted ads for Super Smash Brothers Ultimate which we know you will enjoy based on videos you have been watching on Twitch Prime. We hope this game will help you through any lingering feelings of sadness you might have for Amazon Web Services Employee 4311. If not, we can recommend several adult websites to visit based on your preferences when not using Incognito Mode.

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Found In: the 404 page for AnimatedFartToads.com