Small-Town, Southern Douches

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here Small-Town, Southern Douches

Growing up in a small Southern town you see every variety of small-town douche imaginable. Here are the most common. Which one are you?

Old Money Douche

The Old Money Douche comes from a long line of money and influence. He usually begins to show his douchiness in Jr. High and blossoms into a fully entitled douche in early high school. You may find him on the baseball field, drunk and driving his super expensive car (with a special, super loud muffler) too fast through the middle of town on Friday or Saturday nights, or looking dapper at church on Sunday talking to all the little old Old Money Widows. Once grown, the Old Money Douche usually has a high-paying job stemming from an old family connection.

New Money Douche

This douche is no more than one generation into serious money. He usually stumbled upon some sort of opportunity with absolutely no intention or comes from a parent who worked tirelessly to provide a grand and glorious life for his family. Either way, the New Money Douche believes he is solely responsible for his current financial state. You may find him driving a Ford Raptor (that his parents bought him) and wearing tons of Under Armor attire.

The Won’t Be Ignored Douche

This guy is special. He has a low-paying, highly-sucking job. He struggles from month to month, but his son is just as good as those other kids. He just doesn’t have the name! The Won’t Be Ignored Douche knows that every time his child is reprimanded or doesn’t get to play, it’s because his family doesn’t have as much as everyone else, and he will let you know that loudly and adamantly. You’re no better than him, and he will belittle you and your family in any way necessary to remind you of that.

The Small-Town Politician Douche

You know what? This guy could be a State Representative if he wanted to. The Small Town Politician Douche sits as a City Councilman and doesn’t take any crap from the public. He will let you know quickly that he is in office to serve the people, and then vote against the .25% sales tax increase that would have increased the city schools’ budget by 30%. Don’t ask him why. Don’t question him. He graduated from Ole Miss in 1995 with a 3.6 GPA. He knows what he’s doing. He took a Political Science class with Dr. Garner.