Op-ed: The Mainstream Media is Blaming Me for Ruining Terry and Joan’s Dinner Party (Medium [Members Only])

This piece originally appeared on Medium.com here: Op-ed: The Mainstream Media is Blaming Me for Ruining Terry and Joan’s Dinner Party

You’ve probably seen reports in the lamestream media blaming me for ruining Terry and Joan’s dinner party. As usual, those reports are 100% false! That party was terrible from the start.

First, they are claiming that I got drunk and announced that Joan is pregnant before she could. Like we couldn’t tell! She didn’t drink all night which is out of character for Joan (as we all know!). Joan loves her cocktails as much as she loves her unborn child. Plus, she had that glow. So obvious!

Second, yeah, I broke the stupid clock, and, yeah, it was Terry’s great great grandmother’s, and, yeah, it’s the one he took on Antiques Roadshow, and, yeah, it turned out it was really valuable because it belonged to Woodrow Wilson, but Joan’s the one who put it on that wobbly table! We shouldn’t even still be talking about this. Besides, how did Terry’s great grandmother get Woodrow Wilson’s clock? WHAT DID SHE HAVE TO DO TO GET A PRESIDENT’S CLOCK?

Third, Black Lives Matter IS a terrorist organization, and Dean should have known better than to bring it up. I guess ISIS is cool too, right Dean? Sorry you couldn’t handle all the truth bombs I dropped in the white chocolate raspberry bread pudding!

Fourth, why aren’t they talking about Bethany’s chain emails? There’s no way they’re secure. No telling how many viruses she’s exposing us to, and she sends out so many! THOUSANDS! Besides, they’re so stupid. We know, Bethany, it’s a great day to smile. JUST STOP! You know who never talks about her emails? ISIS Dean!

Now, can we please get to the issues the people really care about? We should be talking about whose baby that is. I don’t think it’s Terry’s!