With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills

This piece originally appeared on Robot Butt: With Everything That’s Happening Right Now, I’d Like to Announce I’m Selling Diet Pills

Hey Errybody! LOL!

What’s up all my Facebook amigos? You doing good? You’re about to be doing better! I’m going to make this the best time of your life by offering you something that will make you forget every bad thing happening right now – even the life-threatening ones! How? I’m now a registered representative to sell all-natural diet pills, and I’m offering you a life-changing opportunity! These things are amazing. I’ve been on them for two weeks now, and I feel better than I’ve ever felt, and that includes any point as an adult, child, or baby! Plus, I’ve dropped six pounds! And it ain’t just water weight either! It’s legit!

Look, I know this isn’t the best time. With the white supremacy riots in Charlottesville, along with North Korean nuclear war threats, chaos in the White House, a mentally unstable president, numerous government leaks, shakeup after shakeup in government, Scaramucci, national division, racial division, generational division, ABC’s Bachelorette division, disappearing Social Security, crippling student debt, health insurance premium spikes, problems at the federal level in education, a dysfunctional Congress, the president’s tweeting habit, threats of non-nuclear military encounters with numerous other countries, the renewal of the war on drugs, the rise of a new generation of racists who believe the leader of the free world is speaking directly to them, you’re probably asking, “Why would I even worry about how big my butt is?” The real question is, “Why would you not?” My friend dropped two pants sizes in seven days! What could be better news than that? Who knows if white supremacy is making a comeback? Who’s to say if the Klan is really all that bad? How can anyone answer these questions definitively? What I do know is that you can have the body you want in eight weeks with no exercise!

Things are bad, I get it. But this is the thing that can turn it all around for you if you’re a white upper-middle-class person. You’ve got this in the bag. Do you feel guilty about how minorities are being treated in this country right now? You’ll feel better as a size 2, I bet. Do you wish there was something you could do to end systemic racism in the United States? There’s not, but you can for sure lose that belly in three weeks! So PM me for more details, like my page, and let’s get to work on the national state of emergency you can control – you!

Ask me about becoming a registered consultant!

Peace out y’all!