This piece originally appeared on How Pants Work here: You Guys are Doing a Great Job!
In light of the recent tensions among Americans from all walks of life, we, the Holy Trinity, one God in three parts, want to let you all know where we stand on the matter. There are those on both sides who keep invoking the Bible—or, worse yet, Us by name—and frankly we’re tired of it, so we’re taking this opportunity to let everyone know we’re behind you, conservative American Christians, 100%.
Jehovah, God, the Father Almighty
Hey, guys. Hope everything’s going well. I just want to start by saying that I am so proud of you. You’ve finally done it! You got my candidate in office, and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. I was honestly beginning to wonder if you’d ever figure it out. I kept giving you people, and you kept questioning them: “But Romney’s Mormon!” “But Palin is annoying and got shut down by Katie Couric, and McCain is old!” “But Clinton’s so much cooler than Bush. How can we compete with that?!” Finally I just sent out the most in-your-face guy I could think of, hoping you’d be like, “Screw it. We’re just doing this.” And it worked even better than I thought it would… and I’m omniscient!
And he’s doing great, isn’t he? He’s my kind of guy. I mean, I did write a whole book in the Old Testament about building a wall. Now, don’t squander this. Also, you guys have been so great I even hooked you up with a Patriots comeback! I know you’re not all Patriots fans, but I couldn’t let that team from Atlanta win. Have you ever been there? That city is filthy and dangerous. (If you don’t know exactly what I mean by that, DM me. I can’t elaborate in public.)
Jesus Christ, the Son of Man
Dudes! This is going so well. You probably won’t believe this, but some of the angels were actually betting that you’d chicken out and go Kasich or something — or even stand up to Trump once he took office. I had faith in you, though. Look, I spent my life on earth surrounded by poor, hurting people, so I get it: They’re exhausting. Those Gospels made it look like I did that on purpose (idiot Matthew!), but the fact is the Pharisees wouldn’t give me the time of day after I accidentally read that passage from Isaiah in the Synagogue that one time. This is what I wanted all along. Poor people, for the most part, suck. They’re always asking for things: “Feed me.” “Heal me.” “Raise my dead son!” Speaking of healing and junk, I can’t tell you how angry I was with Obamacare! After all, that guy is the Anti-Me, but that’s all over now thanks to you, my people.
Plus, now you’ve got that refugee/immigration ban happening. This is perfect. (Don’t worry. We’re working on that federal judge for you. Just keep on keeping on, and we’ll handle him.) The only thing worse than poor people is more poor people who can’t speak English. Keep it up, guys. And remember who’s # 1!
Holy Spirit (a/k/a Holy G)
First, let me say that I realize some of you don’t know me very well, but I know you. I also know some of you don’t believe I do very much. Well, guess what: I really do! In fact, if it weren’t for me, you never would have figured out how important the abortion issue is! I told the other guys we needed to include something — anything — in the Scriptures to let you guys know that it trumps (get it?) everything else, but they wouldn’t go for it, so I took matters into my own hands. Despite the fact that the Bible says absolutely nothing — not. one. thing. — about abortion, I showed you guys that it’s worth ignoring the most obvious, fundamental Christian principles for.
It’s like The Father always says: “The means justifies the ends.” And He’s exactly right. Rahab lied that one time to protect her family. See? Proof! I knew you would get it with a little prodding, but now you have to stay strong. There are a lot of things coming out that don’t look great. Just remember, it was all worth it to get Roe v. Wade overturned, and I’m there with you for that sole purpose.
Keep it up, everybody. You make us proud!
Good Luck and Us Bless,
The Holy Trinity